Wedding Bells?

 Hiya, 

Here we are again. Wow, Im doing pretty good trying to stay on task with this. I told you I was definetly going to try. 

Oh guess what, not to take get off subject so straight away but I bought a walker treadmill like thing. Its so cool. A little smaller than a regular size tradmill and doesnt have all the bells and whistles of a treadmill but it sure nice. Here is a picture of it,

And yes I picked out a pink one. Just had to. It came yesterday and I brone it in and did thirty minutes of walking. Got me going too. A little bit of sweat and my blood flowing.  I felt a little bit more alive-lol. It really wssnt all that expensive considering what you would pay for a treadmill. It was a hundred dollars. I tbink that will pay for itself just in gym a membership I do t have to pay for. I think every woman should have one especialñy for stay at home moms or like me who cant walk on the highway and there really isnt anytbing out here to go and exercise or do anything fun for that matter. Small towns ard funny like that. 

Well, its been brought up again. The whole getting married thing. The first time we were going to do it he called it off because his son gave us Covid. That was a bummer because I had bought everything for it. Then I had my whole hospitol episode and the dress got trashed. My mom is funny, she said what do ou want to get married for? Just to call eachother husband and wife? LOL! 

I was on Shein one if my favorite online stores and I found real pretty whitr skirt and on Temu I found whote too I believe will go good with it. I think its probably better we keep it a little more smart casual then all dressy dressy as we cant really afford the rent a tux and what not. I think once I get the top and skirt together and make sure they go well, I will set the date so we can just go down to the courthouse and do it. We gave been together for over seven years and I cant really see myself without him nor anyone else being able to love of me the way he does. Thats the thing you know. To imagine anyone else being able to put up with my quorks let alone my disability. Having the patience and the compassion that he has for me. Thats probably part of the reason I have always called him my angel eyes. 

Irs funny but not really that I have become so dislexic. I have never had this problem before this disorder. I dont know if its the medication or the disorder. Im always hitting the keys right next to the letter I need. So it takes me that much longer to profread this because so many words are wrong. I think its the medication because it does say on the bottle that it does affect your eye sight and not to operate heavy machinery. My eye sight is already bad and it seems like my depth perception is off. I think its probably about that time that I get my eyes checked again too because I think my prescription could use some updating. 

Oh last night my boyfriend made the best crepes. They were all gooie full of cherries. They were so yummy I couldnt hardly stand it but I ate so much if them. He filled up the whoole plate full. Mind you this was a midnight snack after dinner. But i coulnt resist, would you? Next time were going for the apple cinnamon. Yummmmm. 

Hope all is well with everyone especially tbose of you overseas in Europe. My hope is that the conflict will cease and the families can heal. Im sure tbe children would sure appreciate that. I sure its hard being so close to them too and not feeling their pain or worry what else it could bring to neighboring countries. 

Anyhow, my good wishes to you all. Ive got to get off my butt and get to my walking and warm-up. I was also thinking of incorporating my Brook Burke exercise dvd with it. Do the dvd first which is about 45 mintutes tben walk for 30. That I will have to get really motivated for. Ha ha!

Take care everyone ~B

Fresh is always Better

 Hiya~ I feel so blessed to have good parents and especially a mom who is and has always been quite the health nut. My grandma was the same way. Back then my grandma always made everything by hand and never out of a box. She woukd make bread, tortillas, beans and lots of soups. Even during Thanksgiving, I never knew what Stove Top stuffing tasted lîke-lol. I never even had cold cereal until I met my boyfriend about seven years ago and Im 50.

For Christmas my mom always asks me what I want for Christmas and I never really kniw what to tell her. Its funny that when I want something I know but when it comes down to Christmas I never know what to say. She had mentioned that my sister was getting this box from Tally's Farms. It sounded like such a great idea. Where I'm at its a good fourty five minutes away from a grocery store. Here we do have the market but nothing like a regular grocery store with  produce department. We do get the food bank too and I do jave to say thank you to all the local farmers to all the donations because sometimes we do get nice produce. 

So this time when it came down to Christmas, I had to ask her if she would get us a subscription too. I thought if I sure to ask for anything that would be the best thing. She was so delighted I think that we wanted fruits and veggies, she said "sure!"

It has been so nice because now we get that box every Wednesday (which includes recipes) and we get food bank every Friday. Even the Buckhorn (the local resturant, bar and motel) gets their produce from them. Go figure 😆

 It really helps with him, me, and his friend on disability and his son not working. Boy guys sure do eat a lot too. LOL! 

Check these out.

I made these a cluple of days and forgot about them but I wantef to shw you because this is how I feel my brain is like. Kinda funny to thinl about bur not really. 

    AI picture:Brandy Renfrow

I pick up on so much stuff its crazy. A doctor friend of mine says Im just on a whole another playne.

    AI picture: Brandy Renfrow

A Poem for the Day

"The day is coming to an end,

the sun is setting on the horizon.

What a day it has been, full of laughter and friends,

smiling, enjoying each other's company.

Daily tasks were handled and achieved.

Not much more you can ask of a day,

to be happy and healthy, as well as family and friends.

I believe it would be called a good day."

What a year!

Hiya~ I don't know where to start. So much has happened. Well lets start out with the fun stuff.

I started making AI. I really cant believe my ownself that I'm actually good at it. I can make the girls loon so realistic. Its all in the prompts. Some of them I write little stories and others its about how you describe something or place. Often I sneak in a little math for the lighting like for a photography look. Im so happy tbat Im able to do this. I dont know if you realize how much it means to me. I used ti be really good at photoshop and my other art but niw I cant seem to get it anymore. So it was a real delight when I foynd that Im good at AI. They say that when a talent or sense gets taken away, God will bring you a new gift. Boy do I feel lucky.

    AI picture: Brandy Renfrow

    AI picture:Brandy Renfrow

I got to hook up my Instagram amd Facebook accounts yo my checking accounts as business and I even setup my DeviantArt to get tips. Im so proud of myself its awesome. 

Now for the real stuff. This gets kinda spooky. I should have known better but I ran out of my Abilify. I started I would say about two months of not having it I started to see visions of people and places in my glass stones and and like just appear, It was unreal it look so real. I was kinda getting freaked out. Then I started getting the feeling that my boyfriend and his friends were out to get me. So much so that I destroyed the room and left to my moms which was an hour away. I dont know how he stayed so calm with me. 

I went back home the next day but still I was not doing well. A little better but it kicked in again even harder and I barakaded myself in the other room and brine out the windows. My boyfriend called the police and they brought an ambulance and a psychologist. They took me to Marian hospitol and from there I had to go to Torrence for a 72 hour hold to four weeks. 

It wasnt that bad there. The food was the worst. I had three orher girks in tge same room as me so that was good. I didnt really get bored because there was quite a few people there. We got to go outside and get air and exercise. We had group, meds, ate three times a day and of course they took ojr vitals about three or four times a day. We were able to take showers there but I did have to wear those darn gowns. I had to stay there about eight days so they could get me back to being regulated. 

What a trio. I say, DONT EVER RUN OUT OF YOUR MEDS! I will nevzr mzke tbat mistake again. Good news though is that now all I take is Abilify 10mgs. and Mirtazapine 10mgs.  So that is my wild story. Hopefully that doent happen again. 

Im nit paintinh as much anymore but Iam thinking about picking one up. I have to be careful because my eyes are not that good anymore and its hard for me to see the small stuff. 

Whzn I find one I will ve sure to to keep ylu up on my progress. I forgot how much I love writing in this blog. Im goung to keep it more updated then I have been, I promise. Thats all for now~chat again later ~B

    AI picture: Brandy Renfrow

     AI picture:Brandy Renfrow
P.S. Hope you like my pictures. Go to my sites and there kis much more, even for download on DeviantArt for free!

I'm making AI

Hiya ~ Just a quick note for now and I will be back to add an update! So much has happened in the year it's crazy. I have become AI facinated and I'm good at it too. If you have the chance ho and take a look at my work, you won't be dissapointed.

    AI picture:Brandy Renfrow

Here is where you can find my AI:

Brenfrow01@Instagram

Brenfrow01@deviantart.com

My email: renfrowbrandy@gmail.com

I have so much to tell you about my AI,  holidays, my terrible but good experience having to go to Torrence and be hospitolized and about me getting my meds back on track. 

Will be back tomorrow.

~B

Lu Lu Lu Lu Ringtone 🤣 Lu Lu Ringtone 😜sms ringtone || #ringtone #lulu

From Storm to Fire and me in between.

 Hello everyone, 

Times have busy and I have been preoccupied by coloring, joining in on some groups with THMA but unfortunately no new paintings. It had been exreemely hot here! The range has been from mid ninetirs to over hundred dreggres. It's so expensive to run our air conditioner so we have to keep it at a minimum. They say when you by them that they are energy efficient but that doesn't show in your bill every month. So we just keep the doors and windows closed and I have black out curtains so that elevates a lot of heat getting in. We also filled up the jawuzzi with cold water so we can cool off. I had to utilize it often because I would get so dizzy and lathagic. Out cat and dog we get a little heated so we cooled them down with water too. Wild and crazy when Hurricane Hilary was coming. Here is a picture of the sky before it started to rain.

We experienced 93° weather with lots of rain, thunder and lighting. We even lost power there for a bit Talk about climate change we even had a wildfire across the Highway 166 this year. My fiance was worried that it could jump if the winds changed and get us. Fortunately the wind was in our favor. It did leave the most brilliant sunset I have ever seen in a long time.

Scary that something so beautiful could come from such a tragic event. My heart goes out to everyone else who is experiencing these effects of climate change. 

Me personally, I hurt! I had a couple if terrible falls. I have a pull-up bar and you hook it to your door jam. We'll, I didn't know that this place we are living being a trailor had different size door jams and it would not support it. So guess what; I went to do leg lifts which you have to pull yourself up to do and fell straight back and hit my tail bone. Boy did that send some shooting pain. If that wasn't bad enough I told my fiance what I did and that's when I learned about the trailer not supporting the pull-up bar. So like a good guy that he is he hooked up a support beam. Well, I didn't know this but that night he had taken the screw out of it so he could close the door. I then tried it again on the pull,up bar and fell back this time straight on my back and hit my head. It knocked the wind out of me. Mind you I'm falling from about three feet in the air backwards on a hard wood floor. I still hurt and it's been a good two to three weeks ago. I'm so lucky I didn't break my back. The fact that I still hurt shows I did pull and or bruise some muscles and tendins. I'm so reluctant to get back up there again. It took awhile to even do push-ups or jumping Jack's. 

On a good note, I am getting married as you noticed I called him my fiance. We have  chosen a date and it's going to be in October. I bought a dress from Shein and I just love it on. We don't have much money so it's not going to be fancy or having a lot of people. Just family and a few close friends. I'm hoping n g everything works out great.

Oh yeah, I did register for school and Alan Hancock but by the time I got my email from admissions classes had already started. I don't know what was going wrong with Google mail but I definetly didn't get mine on time it was about five days late. So I'm a registered student but taking no classes. Kinda sucks but the way my internet has been acting it makes me wonder if I would even be able to do the class. I will try again next time and hopefully I will have better luck and maybe I might just make a special trip to the college and sign up that way. Who knows. 

I hope you all are doing good and not experiencing too much backlash from Climate Change. It is a topic to keep up with as much possible and to do our part as citizens of the world to help the planet, each other and future generations to come. 

Have a Blessed Day.

 

Each Mind Matters

I went to mental health today and they had these great coloring pages. Each Mind Matters from California's Mental Health Movement. What a cool thing. 

I have been coloring lots of pages recently. I post all of my pictures on Facebook. I started a group called Adult Coloringbook Colorist because I felt it would be a good idea. A lot of people like to color but not all I thought and Facebook would want us to be posting our coloring pages to the feed. So now I have these great pages to share.

Aren't they great? My meeting went well although I need to start therapy back up again. I stopped because I missed an appointment because I was sleeping. I messaged the therapist but didn't hear back from him until about a week later.Kinda weird, I thought he would of gotten back with me before then but whatever. He just called again today so I should call him back. I just feel I'm not getting all that much out of it. Just talking about my past. That's never really a thing I enjoy doing. I guess therapy isn't suppose to be all that enjoyable or is it? I don't know. I'll call him back.

Anyhow, our garden is doing quite well. We have lots of tomatoes getting bigger. Still green but they are growing quite nicely.

Tomatoes  🍅 

 The peppers and squash are too. The only ones that aren't doing so well is the watermelon.

Watermelon 🍉 

 I would of thought it could handle the heat here, but nope. The squash are getting those pretty orange yellow flowers which I'm excited about.

Squash 

I had to take pictures to show you. My fiance have our little hands full with these guys. Oh, I still have my herb garden and it's doing well except one of the sage died. I don't remember the variety it was. I had two different kinds of sage growing. 

This has brought much joy into my life. It really helps lift my mood. Just coming out on the porch  to see them all green and growing is a blessing. 

It's been so HOT here. The highest so far it reached 110°. We have a jacuzzi here so my fiance fills it up full of cold water so we can cool down thank goodness. I just have to make sure I drink plenty of water because I get such bad dizzy spells. Even it has been 88°+ at night time. Do you know how difficult it is to sleep at that temperature at night time. Not easy and I have sleeping issues anyways. I think from what I have been hearing is that the heat is all throughout the United States. Even causing storms. No good. I hope it cools down here soon. It's very draining. I tend to loose a little weight though because it's too hot to eat and I'm sweating all day. Yuck, gross huh? Thank goodness for that jacuzzi!!! 

That's all I have for now, I'll write again soon.

My New Regiment

 Hello everyone. I have had a bit of a roller coaster of emotions, frustrations and excitement all at the same time. Let me tell ya, it's no pony ride.

I have been fighting off self sabotaging myself. No fear factor. It's not a walk in the park. I love my art work but I have so many doubts about others liking it. What will they think, kinda thoughts that go through my head. Does it really matter? Well, Yes and No. We all have to admit that we care what others think about us. Putting on that good first impression kinda thing. At the end of the day, I will not ever come across these people in real life, so that makes it easier not to stand in my own way sort of speak. 

I have to tell you I give two big thumbs up to Amazon. You know how they kinda of recommend items based upon what you have ordered before? This product called Suspended Solutions is Atomic Ormus Red Alaean Himalayan Sea Salt. It is suppose to be for your heart cohearence. I have to say this is great stuff. I noticed right away my energy and focus was better. My anxiety lessened and I was more patient with myself and others. It has good stuff in it like Potassium, Copper, Zinc and Magnessium.  

For me this is a Winner! Now it is kinda pricey. I think it was about $35 a bottle. I do have to go leave a review at their site too and I'll get a free bottle. 

My energy was way down and I was sleeping too much and getting dizzy spells more than usual. Taking all the medication that I have to really depleats my vitamins. So guess what? Now I have a new regiment. I do this every so often. Find vitamins that suit my needs, take them for awhile then give my body a break and reevaluate myself and find a whole new set that are suitable for where I'm currently. 

I went to Lassens and found a Coenzyme Methyl B-Complex with 5-MTHFolate. As we all know B-complex is vital for the nervous system. I also take Pro Fema, (which is a whole food vitamin and can be taken on an empty stomach) as my muti-vitamin but it is specialized for Menopause. Then I found ChlorOxygen which builds red blood cells and increases oxygenation. It supports digestive and intestinal health and ensures a healthy liver. I was a heavy vodka drinker so this is important to me. Thank goodness that snake juice doesn't have a hold of me anymore! I also got Iodoral IOD-50 which is good for my thyroid. When I was pregnant I had to be medicated during the first seven months to ensure that I would carry her to full term. I didn't know I had a thyroid problem until then and was told it's probably why I had three miscarriages prior. I did add CoQ-10 for heart health as well. Now don't laugh but I had to add CLA and Chromium Picolinate too for my metabolism and fat. I don't get as much movement as I should and that's my own fault. I do have a oliptical machine. Being that I have been in menopause and not enough exercise I have some inches to burn off. Lol 😆 

So there you have it. 

Oh I did dye my hair red....it was pretty bright but now it looks more natural. Not quite sure what to do with it. I had a haircut yesterday which was a relief. There was so much build up on my hair.

Oh,  I forgot to tell you too that out well went down here. We had to pull the pump up and change the whole system including the pipe. Well, talk about gross. They pulled up metal pipe that had rusted so bad that it had holes in it. Can you imagine how much of that crap got in my hair after time. I know the water runs clear after you run it at first but still. Its no wander my hair is forever dry. The weather doesn't help either though. But, we replaced that and now we have water and the pipe is pvc....yeah! 

Now my fiance is getting real good with these wells. He even had to go help this other guy who is a friend of our landlords. Saved him a few thousand dollars. The well guy wanted to put in a whole new system on his too but his only needed a couple of little fixes. He is real good at troubleshooting. Thank goodness. 

I don't know if any of you have check out my other site Healing Leaf. I'm an Ambassador for Climate Change. We went to Growing Grounds in Santa Maria and bought some veggies and flowers. They are coming along quite nice and the little trees I received from the Arbor Day Foundation are too. 

So that's about it for now. Other than I have taken a break from Grimm Fairy Tales and am coloring other pictures for now. I tried to do a live group with my colorbook colorist group but no one showed. Everyone's so busy, so that's OK. 

Redecor is still my main squeeze. I just can't get enough of it. I even started playing Facebook's version of it. Keeps me from spending money on the game. Can't afford it. 

Well, just finished breakfast and it's time to get moving around here. The dishes aren't going to wash themselves...lol. 

Chat later. ~B

My New Ko-Fi

I pleased and proud to announce my New Ko-fi. I have set up a new gallery. These are recent paintings that I have recently completed. It you fell generous to do so I have also set up a way to be tipped for my work. The coolest thing though is to be able to present my work to you in a professional manner and receive donations. I really enjoy my art therapy. 

Thank you all for sticking by me here while I'm on this journey. I'm hoping that reading my stories has helped in some way too. 

Follow Me.

Here is the QR code for my instagram account. 

Follow Me on Instagram

Coloring Event Scheduled!

I'm so proud of myself and I hope it gets a good showing. If you are interested please feel free to join our group.

Adult Coloring Book Colorist Meet & Greet plus Show & Tell

Coming Home.

I was having a bad day. It is amazing the transformation that can occur when you do art. It transcended me in such a better place, changed my mood and brought me back to a place where I could smile at myself in the mirror. I can't exactly remember what it was or why I was having a hard time. It just happens like that sonetimes. These colors are very soothing to me. I just kept painting withought any idea what I painting. I just let the paint flow and the emotions go. 

I shared this one on Instagram too as a lot of people who deal with mental health. 

Art for me is a must. I love it so much even though I'm not a great talent, it still helps me in so many ways. 

In the need for comfort?

Be kind to one another.

Here is a great cookbook you can resource from of y our feeling the need for something good to eat. I know comfort food always helps me.and maybe it might just help as an icebreaker to talk to someone. Just copy and paste this link into your browser. I haven't had the chance to try any of these but I'm sure they are good.

https://acrobat.adobe.com/id/urn:aaid:sc:VA6C2:c35eb801-a64f-4878-b781-b4f0f48fad4a

Reaching out for a more positive outlook.

I hav we been very busy putting together my newest blog Healing Leaf. I have found many wonderful companies doing their part to help meet the 2030 agenda. It has made me think of the things I cam do here at home. I bought some flowers today and plan on making a little garden and asked my fiance to help me make a place for mulch. I can't wait to plant the flowers and look forward to when they bloom

 I will then have fresh cut flowers and that will be nice. We did plant some strawberries but the frost got to them and we don't think they are going to make it. 

This month I have my mental health appointment. Last month my new practitioner was looking over my meds and making a few changes. Nothing to drastic. I should be starting up with Safe Haven soon too doing some virtual meetings. Lord knows I need to. I'm kinda having a hard time as I don't socialize, have friends nor do I get out of the house much. I have continued my exercise and that has been going along quite nicely. I actually did up to an  hour and a half of cardio. Then of course stretching and and some strength training. The exercise has been good to help regulate my mood although it seems to me that I just can't do enough. I have been really stressing and feeling  very insecure with myself and my position in life. I know that I shouldn't have to know everything and should be relatively alright but with the symptoms of my condition sometimes make that very difficult. Every person in life has a need of wanting to be included, respected and valued. I just seem to cone across opposition quite a lot. I don't know if it's because people don't understand me, want to even try to or I just very misunderstood. Maybe, it's me and I'm just trying way to hard to be accepted by my peers. It makes me feel very unsure of myself, what I attempt to do and how I go about facing my daily challenges. 

I have a wonderful fiance and he is such a life saver for me. Yet I know he is bias and loves me no matter what and comes to my aide whenever I need him. I just wish I could get some more I sight on how the world receives and sees me.

This road has not been easy for me. Everything changed so quickly, the whole world as I knew it. I no longer could do things the way I used to nor did I know how to. It takes every ounce of me not to play the blame game. I realize that life happens and I just so happen to get more obstacles to deal with than I thought I ever would. It's unnerving sometimes as I have a hard time admiting to myself that some of my capabilities have diminished and I have to learn a different way and try new things. Like with most change is not always wanted, welcome or an easy transition. 

I'm greatful that I'm still alive. I have roof over my head and family that loves me. I'm not blind, deaf or have any means of taking care of myself even at times it too is challenging. Lifting my own spirits and remaining positive is sometimes not always seen quite clearly on the agenda. I have always been a positive person so this has really hit me by surprise. I didn't realize at that time how much easier I had it. Losing so much of myself kind of put me in a desperate mode to scanvage for anything that's left. 

It was really good for me to take the Ambassador class for Climate change because it raised my confidence. It showed me that I canaccomplish and finish something I set out to do still. The only thing is that I have a hard time putting some if it together. I'm doing my best to raise awareness and inform people of what's out there and what's being done today to help. But there again I hope I'm being received well and not what people would consider out of the ordinary. I worry sometimes about my psyche sometimes with all this self doubt and questionable inclusivity. Sometimes it's hard for me to pull myself out of a rut of feeling inadequate and unwanted. 

I really need to get over myself though and hold my chin up. I don't want to loose my relationship and bring my fiance down or feel the way I do because I'm so pulled down and having feelings of despair. 

This is why my hope is that I start Safe Haven soon and this other little anonymous program I found last night. 

So enough about that, I probably  brought you all thinking what a Debbie Downer. I don't want that at all. I have to just have faith and know that I was made in the light of God and there is a plan for me that will bring me to understand myself once more. To be able to smile in the face of adversity and have a confidence from within that will help me shine. I hope everyone of you are happy in your relationships and life. Everyone deserves happiness and feelings of joy. 

I'm going to go see my dad soon and that should be very good for me. I don't get to see him very often and he is getting older and can't get around so we ll anymore. I really miss him and I know he wishes he could see my siblings and I more often too. My daughter is doing really well and I'm so proud of her. Her life and school is so busy I kind of feel like an outsider but I know she's happy and that's what is important. 

I've got a lot of work to do and it doesn't just stop with buying myself. I think I will take a nice hot bath tonight and have a romantic evening with my fiance. I have to remember that he needs care too and that he not immortal. The other thing too is to try my very best to disregard all the negative things my audio hallucinations like to lead me to believe. Thank you for letting me share. ~B

Making Major Steps

 Hi everyone, I 'm making some major moves this month. I was painting a bit and making postcards for the democratic party. It was fun as I got to make my own. I signed up with them back in 2020 for something to do. Now I help out however I can. 

I signed up and took the training to be an Ambassador for Climate Change. I have already been researching sustainability and climate change for some time now so it's in right about the same hat. This is though a bit more involved. I can talk about it in my community and really get involved with other Ambassadors as well. 

I have been pushing myself out of my bedroom, trying to get outside more and socialize. Socializing is not easy for me because I have so much already going on in my brain. It's very difficult to concentrate and actually listen to someone.  I'm not sure how my body language, expressions and gesutres are being received. I know I tend not to be somewhere for long periods of time because it is overbearing. Working at Growing Grounds and the bank really help me out with that a bit. 

I did start a new blog called care4planetearth.blogspot.com I named it Healing Leaf. I also started an organization and collective for it as well with Open Source Collective. A collective is good for collecting and maintaining the funds you receive for your cause or organization. They also take care of the taxes too. 

So there you go, that is what I have been up to  It felt so good to get that certificate. I'm very proud of myself for sticking with that and following through. I have now webinars to listen in on virtually and really try to soak all of this up. I have been from here in the United  States to the United Nations and European Union reading just so I have a well rounded idea on how we stand as a planet. It's also nice to know that we as a planet are all on the same page and moving closer and achieving the goals set by the Paris Agreement agenda for 2030. I think we can do it. It's 1° cooler for our planet is what would be nice to reach. I think it's 1.5-2° is where we really want it. Baby steps but long strides and we will have a safer and healthier place for our children and theirs to live. Check out my blog sometime as I'm going to try and put up more information, inspiration, ideas and resources. Even though it's just me, it keeps me moving and positive with a new purpose to wake up everyday for that will allow me to congratulate myself every so often...lol.

What gets you going?

What kind of thoughts do you start your day with? 

When I wake up in the morning the first thing I think about other than sex is food.I think about taking my vitamins, medication and making my protein collagen peptides shake. I'm greatful for the new day and try not to let the "voices" bring me down. So I put a smile on my face of and think positive about things needing to be down throughout the day but of course after I go to the bathroom. Im usually excited as I get to kiss my love and feed my cat. By this I'm then able to plan what's next and usually that is to exercise but that doesn't always come to fruition. I try to d I a little at a time so that I don't burn myself out of it. Motivation is hard to come by lately in my room all by myself doing it and not at a gym. Sometimes I have to talk myself into taking a shower because either it's too cold or I just don't feel like getting wet. Yet I make it in there and I get to wash any bad thoughts away and present myself to the world the best way possible and brush my teeth. I cant stand a dirty mouth or when it gets dry. It does make smiling at myself in the mirror a lot easier. I put my makeup on and find something cute to wear so that I feel comfortable , cute and ready to face the challenges the day presents. I do my best not to Sabatoge myself while getting ready by not thinking I'm pretty or smart. I really have to watch myself at that because my voices say mean things to me day like a broken record so much so you start to believe it. Its like someone calling you stupid most your life well your bound to have a complex or think you are when your older. 

I dont really think about dinner until about the afternoon. Just last week I was doing a few paintings. I would love to post them here for you to see but Blogger has an issue when it comes to that. Posting pictures that is. 

I bought this little book called Just for today and this was one if the questions.

Here's an exercise. How would you answer a r this question? Don't critique yourself too much just put pen to paper and write it and don't read it until your done. You will be quite surprised by yourself. If you can hold off from stopping and reading n g it over or throwing it in the trash because you don't  think you should write it.  

Thanks for letting me share. I gotta tend to my time with my boyfriend. I isolate a lot so it's important for me to make time just for him.

I'm here; The long lost Blogger.

Hi everyone and thank you for your patience. I have been going through so much and there are times that I have to use all my brain power and energy within to pull through and stay focused. 

Where ever do I start? So much has happened. 

To start we did move and I can't believe it actually snowed here the day before yesterday. 

Beautiful! 

That is across the street of our new place in New Cuyama. Yes it Snowed!!! Much better than before as my fiance does not have to fetch water nor does he have to fix the pump to the well it seemed like daily. The water still is coming from a well but this one was already set up. This place we are living in now was a Marijuana farm at one point but the owners decided it wasn't working out for them so they rented us the house. More money but when you only have to pay $500/month for a two bedroom house, anything will seem pricier. The move wasn't so bad as the house we are in now is just only about a few minutes drive. We started early though which helped that they told us when it had been sold. So we had just the time before they closed escrow to go. 

Bad news though. The chickens died. It was too hot while we were moving and my fiance got to the house and they were all gone. He called me in shock. I too was in disbelief and sadeded. I had gotten use to them especially Falcor the cock and him the the morning. Cock a doddle do...lol. 

Me right now, well I'm better. I have a mental health appointment tomorrow. Also, got put on the list for counseling. They still haven't called me but this is what happened last time. Guess I have to keep on bugging them. Sqeeky wheel gets the grease right? It's time I start talking to someone else and they get paid to hear me spill my guts.  It's difficult because I think it's so unbelievable that I sound really whacked. But I can't make this stuff up. It really happens and I really did go through what I did before this all came to be. I have stayed silent about a lot of things but the more I stuff the worse it seems to get when it all pours out sometimes to my fiance and or when I'm alone. I like to enjoy my day not just try to get through it. Ya know? 

I still take medication. Still on Wellbutrin, Miritzapine, Abilify and Zyprexa. They don't make the noise or commotion (voices) go away but it does muffle them. 

The hardest part lately is my body image and self esteem. They are so cruel and inconsiderate. Down right shifty. I'm going to say it to;  they really bog down my sex life and intimacy. They always have to put their two cents on what I should be doing with my partner and telling me that I just don't do it for him anymore and I need breast implants. I never thought about getting those until they started in on me about them. Now I find myself looking in the mirror and critiquing my figure. Sucks! It is not an easy task to ignore them and stay in the mood if you know what I mean. We have to stop and then eel like I'm taking away from him because I can't get over what they are saying and how it effects me. It's not always like that but it had been an issue for a little while lately. I did though have a nice Vaeltines Day in and had a home cooked meal with everyone here. My fiance can do a great BBQ.

The only thing still is that the medication causes such bad constipation and none of the prescribed laxatives work! Sometimes it can be a month or so. I have to stop taking the pills and about a week into it I will have a bowel movement. So not only am I bloated like I'm three months pregnant but going through withdrawals of the medication.i have found some remedy through the different foods to eat and in different clombinations. Seriously it's like a science/math formula. 

Still on my vitamins and peptides. I have to say I have been working out and my kegs are getting stronger and my but firmer. I have strated with Casein now at night time as it is a slow burning protein and helps keep your body from going into starvation mode in my sleep. Don't want my body to eat all that new muscle tone I work so hard for, do I? Nope! I have an area to workout in and stretch on my yoga mat so All I do is turn on the tunes and I'm at it. I also have to admit I will get on the floor in my bedroom in the morning or when no one is looking and do situps, push-ups and or squats throughout the day. Kinda weird I know but that's my compulsiveness coming out. 

I changed my hair to brown as you saw in the picture up top. Kinda wish I didn't now but too late. I haven't been liking my pictures lately as the all make me look mad or mean I think. Don't know right now how to change that. I do wear my heart on my sleeve so that could be it. I have been bummed out as I just can't seem to do anything right or live up to their standards not to mention pay the price for anything and everything I have done wrong my whole life. 🙃 

Here's another of the snow. Nice huh?

I did get to see my dogs and we took them on a walk at Alisjo Park which is right down the street. It has a long little drive to the park but it was just gorgeous after the rain. My dogs names are Gucci and Chanel. They stay with my mom and watch ove little Barrigan. He's her 4lb little poodle. Gucci is a Malti-poo and Chanel a Shitzu-Maltese. 

They are best buddies and take care of one another. I got them about a year and a half apart. Gucci is older and more needy but Chanel is my carefree little trouble.

I wanted so badly to stop and pet them. 

It was such a nice day and it was nice to get out of the house.

Well, I have been talking for awhile now and I'm going to leave you with that. I thank you for listening and wish you a great day packed with joy and laughter. 

Take Care until later ~B

cldf-datasets/wals: The World Atlas of Language Structures Online

cldf-datasets/wals: The World Atlas of Language Structures Online: Dryer, Matthew S. & Haspelmath, Martin (eds.) 2013. The World Atlas of Language Structures Online. Jena: Max Planck Institute for the Science of Human History. (Available online at https://wals.info)

My Ko-Fi

My little new project. I will be doing some more art, poetry and quite pissible a couple other things. This should be fun. Here is the link My Ko-Fi

Take a Look at Spotify

 Spotfy Newsroom

What a day!

 My day was pretty simple today. Trashed to be dumped, dished to wash and laundry,  forever laundry needed to do. With these meds its hard to wake in the morning unless I set an alarm. Low and behold  I forgot. What a goof. So everything but laundry was tended to. I did get to finish one of my coloring pages today. I posted in my group Adult Coloring Book Colorist at Facebook [Meta]. You should check it out.

We did have a appraiser competition out to the property where we live. These potential buyers and looking more and more likely to buy. That there means we will have to move. Fortunately, the landlord has another property he is willing to let us reside at. Little bit more rent but the property is worth it. Will be New Cuyama instead of Cuayama. Our rent is only five hundred here so I'm sad to see it go if we have to move. Besides my fiance has done so much on this place its insane. Kinda worked himself out of our home. Lol...  oh well change is inevitable these days. We will make it work somehow as we do. Like they say do the good thing and the money will come. A friend of ours will be able to live in the granby house on the property so that's cool. 

I did received my new bedding today...yeah! I'm off my rocker I think. LoL...  I bought all white bed in a bag. Couldn't help myself as the eight piece was only less than fifty dollars. Gotta love Wayfair. It's perfect being that it is so hot here. Today being over a hundred degrees. The comforter is very thin and will be just that little needed comfort you get b from bed spread. 

We did get in the jacuzzi  yesterday. So nice... when the weather is as it is. Too hot to be inside the house without air-conditioning. Even though it's still overly warm. Getting to cool down is very nice. 

This jacuzzi was given to us for free if we could get it off the property and move it to home. Boy oh boy was that a mission. It took almost a week for them to figure it out. They built a trailer so that they could put it on wheels to drive it home. Mind you up a hill and a few back dirt roads later at four to five  miles per hour.....that made it. As you can see it is not small. 

Tomorrow is laundry day. My fiance said he would me. Lots to do and its nice not to do it on my own. I get anxiety about people, places and things. Unless I know where I'm at, who is with us and whats going on I not ok. I'm better in a small group so I don't isolate or clam up too much. 
I have gain a few pounds and I think its because of the estrogen, menopause and other vitamins I mentioned earlier that I'm taking. I've been told I'm much more relaxed and calm. Its OK, just miss the gym so much!!!! 

Gotta go see whats for dinner. Tomorrow is another day. Take Care. ~ B

Color my world and keep me cool!

I started coloring again. It has been at least eight months or so maybe longer. It feels really good. I was kinda stuck on the interior design games, so this is a good break. Keep the creative juices flowing. You can view my coloring pages at My Colorbook Printable Plus More. I also stated a group on Facebook for others to post their coloring pages to if you like  Shareing and being inspired by others is great. The group name is Adult Coloring book Colorist. 

On the home front, I have been doing well. My fiance noticed I'm quite a bit calmer these days. I have to attribute that to the menopause and estrogen vitamins I'm taking. They also have helped in me gaining weight. Not too bad at lease my boots are growing too.....LOL. Meds have been almost the same and Ability has been really helping lately but at night when I suppose to be going to sleep I can take Zyprexa. The voices and noise can be quite disturbing. One time when I was in the hospital the nurse told me he knew  how I felt because he has four children. My reply was, at least your go to sleep! LoL. Not funny but is. 

We may be having to move because the landlord wants to sell. Big bummer but I hope he moves us to one of his other property's. One in which is gated and has a lot of open space. Not to mention I on right next to a vineyard. The cool thing is that there is already running water. No well to have to maintain. That by the way has been pain staking. Dealing with the different types of pumps and pressure has been kinda a headache. No worries though my fiance always pulls through and figures out how to make it work. This property we are on value went up quite a bit when my fiance fixed that well. The landlord is appreciative and will help us regardless if and when we have to move. They want to keep him around as he has been doing the work on their propertys. Good job babe!!!!

Its another hot year again but not nearly as hot as last year. Its been ninety to the one hundreds. The fan, swamp cooler, air co ditioner bill is killer with PG & E, but we have to have them on. We have all three types.lol. My fiance actually found a wifi air-conditioner, he loves using the app to control it. 

So about the dirt in the window. Its so hard to keep up with it. Dirt ground everywhere and when the wind picks up its all over the place. It really does a good job. Surprising too because he found it at the dump. Someone threw it away because it stopped working. All that needed to be done was to clean the inside up a bit. He knows how to fix just about anything. It runs like a champ. 

Overall, things are steady and not chaotic which is nice. My back and hip are feeling better thank goodness. Just will have to take it easy on the elliptical from now on. Not as strong as I once was so its difficult to change that frame of mind. I have a natural instinct to be determined and peservere. I have to remind myself I'm not twenty something too. Until next time. ~B

Ouch my back!!!

 Holy mulligans!!! My back has gone out. Literally has taken a poop. I haven't been able to get out of this bed! I can hardly stand up. Not good. This is second day now. It is no fun lying around with your back all whacked out. I really don't have much to write about today other than I hurt. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Hope everyone else is doing alright. Until then.....~B