Denied Again yet Looking Forward

It has come to now know that social security is denying me again after I appealed for disability. They feel I'm not severe enough not to work but I never said that I was not able and am at this time working, My point was that I'm unable to do the tasks and perform at the level in which I was before. So  I'm still looking for another job. I'm staying with Growing Grounds as I feel that it has enlightened my life in many different aspects. It has provided me a positive place to help develop myself and get back in the swing of things. I don't want to set limitations on myself as I feel that would only hinder my own personal growth. I'm enjoying what I do and I do feel that it is time to add on more responsibility. I have a lot of obligations going on at this time that require a lot of my energy yet I feel that getting another job would help not only financially but for my own  well being and self esteem. I need to be able to take on these tasks with ease and handle life's ups and downs without feeling down and frustrated. I'm very great full for this blog as it helps me to be able to share and communicate my fears, worries and hopes and joys .It has been one of the best healing tools for me.  So if anyone is reading this thank you for your time and alloying me to share, Right now in this time I'm applying for outside jobs rather jobs preferably not behind a desk. It seems to me that the auditory hallucinations are more critical and daunting than when I'm more active working. Which makes since in a way that it doesn't allow to much time to be in my own head sort of speak. Anyhow, wish me luck as I'm embarking on the job hunting task. I just hope with the whole idea now that they ask sometimes to self-identify I don't get passed up for the interview or job. Another thing to look forward to though is Breaking Barriers. I feel that it will help a lot and with job support I should be doing well soon in a position I will flourish and grow with.

AuditoryHallucinations

The overwhelming nature of it is combustive.

I never would have thought that at some point in my life I would be dealing with this. Being a busy body and always being on the go this really has taken me by surprise like a curveball. It has been very difficult and exhausting dealing with "The Voices" all day long. It's no wonder in my paperwork it advises getting as much sleep as possible. They weren't kidding. Imagine having a house full of kids all by yourself and they never go to bed or give you a break. The worst part is that most of it are just lies or my brain working off my insecurities, apprehensions, thoughts maybe I would have, I'm really not sure. They do get you all worked up and it takes a lot of myself to sort through my own thoughts versus the things my brain is trying to feed me. 
One of the worst is that it messes with my memory and how I recall what has transpired in the past. These voices get drilled in my head over and over in different ways that I get confused and misdirected. Sometimes even the stories tell me a far fetched. I do have to say some of them are good. There are voices that encourage and compliment but then there are those which lie, say mean things about others and myself. They will tell my lies even about my own fiance. It has impacted my relationship so much at certain times that we have broken up. I'm very thankful that he loves me and has stood by me knowing that it's not me to believe the crazy things they tell me, act in such irrational ways, or have psychotic breakdowns.  Not to mention talking to myself. That is the other obstacle because I can sit here and have conversations with myself all day long. In a way, it's good because it feels like I'm never alone yet it's not fair to him because then he never knows if I'm speaking to him or them. I have to catch myself sometimes because it's really easy to fall into some of the conversations my mind is having. It's like having an estranged brain. I know that sounds way far out there but it's true. I do wake up every morning hoping that they won't be there but as a loyal dog they are. they can be so mean that I will just start crying out of nowhere. It has got to take a lot of patience and understanding to be directly involved with me.