Arms wide open and always have an ear to bend.

Hi everyone,

As I talked before I have been having trouble getting motivated not mention taking a break from my electronic bliss. I have a thing for beta testing and integration.

It have to tell you had been a lifesaver. I should probably take out at least an hour of the day to be social. I'm just terrible at it.  I always have been looking back, not to mention a home body.Not sure why. Probably because I was busy at home with my siblings and wasn't really allowed to go over someone else house. I did a couple of times babysit but that's different. I feel like I lived a double life. 

Reason I say that is because I was put in charge of my siblings while the parents were away at work. I played little mom/big sister there for awhile.  Then there's high-school where I actually was able to socialize get I didn't much. I was a band nerd. I played violin 🎻 when we had an orchestra event and the trombone in the parades, at half time football and completions. Even spent lunch sometimes in the band room. I did fortunately meet a boy 👦 who was a senior and was on the varsity dive team.. Guess what I did? Joined the team to be around him more. So you see me being this way had not a surprise. After high-school I lived with my grandma 👵 and then my boyfriend. Sometimes I wish I could of been that social butterfly and in the popular crowd. 

To change the subject do you like my star picture? I made it tonight, I like it. I do plan on making more but with different shapes. Who knows might even be able to create an app. I do try, but my formulas are a bit, I don't know how do you say, maybe just different. I have so much respect for people who can code. My mind just doesn't seem to grasp it. 

You know I'm trying to find something that inspires me and I'm good at. Haven't yet still. I really don't know what the future holds for me but I can say this is the first time I have ever felt lost. Unemployed, no more house, child support, 5 year gap from working,  family doesn't talk to me really, as they don't know what to say. It's normal and now I have Schizophrenia and hormonal issues. No period after 42 and homonal issues plus early Menopause. What a load.  I sometimes I just get so terrified that I cry like like a baby. I tell myself that this shall too pass. At lease that is what my grandma would tell me. So I try to believe it.  I have a lot of good energy in me and when I'm happy things seem to be better but it's hard to play game happy when you wear your emotions on your sleeve and I'm in a whirlwind in my mind. My voices can be so awful that they play with my self esteem, motivation, how I see and receive others, and tell me just horrific things. For instance, just a week ago they were asking me about getting a job, calling me a losser, Im stupid; for leaving my past boyfriends and husband's, because they would of been able to financially take care of me and I wouldn't be poor, my boyfriend is going to leave me or sleep with someone else, that when I die I'm going to get bludgeoned to death. That's just last week. How much more can I take? I asked myself and wonder why God thought I was so strong that I would be able to handle this. Who knows right? They had me so terrified 😨 I couldn't hardly breathe. I felt like I was at deaths door. I asked myself where does all this come from. Then I realize,  that question will never be answered.. If anyone you know of or if you are experiencing talk to someone and don't let "the voices," contain you in misery, shame or fear. I have my boyfriend and it's not easy to tell him about whats going on but I have found that if I just walk through it with him most of the time it will lose grasp over me and at least let him have the chance to correct what is real and what is not.

Gotta go for now  boyfriend brought me icecream 🍦 take care 🙂❤😋.

p.s. If you need someone listen to you or if you need to talk please reach out and email me or give someone else the opportunity to help you get through the rough patches.  I check my emails often.

Thank you for letting me share ♡

》Brandy Renfrow

My Reasons & Life Changes

1.  
2. 

   
   
3. I just love working with shapes especially in 3D. Microsoft's 3D and Paint work very nice together.
4. Just wanted to share. 
5. I still need to edit it a bit still.
6. Breathe
7. I have found that there aren't too many support groups out there in our areas for schizophrenia. I feel schizophrenia needs it's own because our disorder is all internal. Nobody else hears what we do or see for that matter. It all takes place in the mind. It's a special thing when you can trust someone or people with your priceless thoughts and not be judged but ony to help by the experiences they go through on a normal basis as well. I know I need the support and I was hoping others do as well. I see it more like a specialized social group. I have also thought that if others lived too far away or couldn't make it in person we could have a GotoMeeting or Skype group via online. If you have any questions or ideas please feel free to contact." I see that nobody has commented. I would sure like to know what your thoughts it feelings are while reading my blog. Don't worry no pressure. I feel like I'm getting cyber bullied and someone is trying to take my blog. Google never gave me renewal for my domain. That right there kinda tells me they don't like me or my blog and what it's about. That's why my domain name is back to blogspot. Also, in Facebook it has been taken over by the Hindu people with their language on my page. Facebook won't fix it and now I have Italian as the language for my blog! I really feel that I'm being harassed. They sure aren't doing anything about it or to fix it. 
8. It really makes me sad not to mention raise my anxiety level.Its hard enough for me to have self esteem, be happy and function. I just about ready to call cyber security on this whole situation. Lucky for me that I did find a phone number in my phone in case of cyber security. I sure hope I dont have to call but I think that where this is headed. 
9. The move was a success and we are in a better place now.  I was so stressed out and that just increases my voices to be worse.
10. Because all my stuff in my house 🏠 was either destroyed,damaged or stolen, I now have to buy everything over. I had a 3 bedroom, 2 1/2 Bathroom house all furnished. It still really blows my mind when I think about it. So with the little money I have
11. left I have to get a bed. Sleeping on the floor is no treat.  
12. I have been thinking of poems, so I have written them and shared them with you. I think they are cute. I'm going to try and write to do more like that. Dont forget I do have freebie stock photos for you. Mostly plant life but they are pretty. 
13. Christmas is coming here straight away, so If I don't get to say Merry Christmas to you here it is.

Merry 🎄Christmas & Happy New Years

A Hero

 

                       It's all in a quil   

                     by the flick of the wrist

                        and ink to paper

                         You're a genius

                      and some say a poet

                     Your Johnny Hancock

                         signed and legal

                          Your legit and 

                     Success becomes you

                        Congratulations 

                            my friend