Cause and Effect

I have had trauma and this article rings a lot for me. I have been rapped, I was bulemic and anorexic for 11 years, I lost all my hair from a chemical burn. Luckily it has grown somewhat back to what it was. Not as thick and the hair cuticle was damaged. I have been in abusive relationships, verbal, physical and sexual. All these things and occurances not to mention I had an alcohol problem for awhile I believe contributed to the issues I face today. 

I'm not social as I used to be at all. I used to go out everywhere and have a good time. In college I didn't have a care in the world except for making grades. I still then did my own thing for the most part. I would go out to eat, go to the movies, go dancing at the clubs, swim and scate at the beach, you name it, I was doing all on my own and sometimes with friends. I would run at least three times a week about five miles and then go swimming. No time for depression. Just school, homework, work or play. 

I wish that were today. Now I suffer from PTSD, depression, anxiety, and Schizophrenia. Schizophrenia didn't happen till about 43 years of age. It's weird too because I started losing my eye sight at 40 and stopped having a period at 41. I still haven't had a period and I'm 47. Doctors say its just pre menopause but who knows. Just weird all of it happening one right after the other. 

Luckily, I had my daughter at 30 so I didn't miss out on motherhood. 

Im lucky I have this blog because it really helps me. Being able to express myself constructively is important. Hopefully I'm helping someone else realize they are not alone too. 

This article below is a good read. 

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Today & Everyday After

I had quite the scare a few months ago. I feel into a deep depression. I didn't want to do anything and nothing appealed to me either. I wouldn't get out of bed but to use the restroom and wouldn't go anywhere not even outside my room. Because of me being that way I lost a lot of muscle. I used to be a body builder so that for me was devastating to say the least. I became a bag of bones in a body that was just an empty sack. I was so out of shape that I became out of breathe just to take a shower. Not only that. I couldn't hold up my arm long enough to brush my teeth. I had to wait and sometimes for my arm not to hurt and hold up my other arm just to brush my teeth. I was in disbelief. It scared me and I felt very ashammed of myself. Not to mention embarrassed so much I tried and hid my weakness. How could anyone dare know that about me, right?

So, after I stopped beating myself up I decided I would do something about it. I started just by trying to walk around the room and pick up after myself. That was a painful task. Again out of breathe and very weak. It took me two weeks of just doing that not to get out of breathe in the shower and a month to brush my teeth with no bother. I also then picked up my 2lb weights and began my physical therapy.

Whatever you do don't do what I did and that is step ups on a chair for butt exercises. Especially in bad shape. I got a Bakers cyst in the back of my knee. That was a little painful but most of all I had a big hard lump there. I quickly read up on it and then again began physical therapy on myself with cold compresses and pressure with a shock tied around it. I did that for three days then I decided to massage it. I was afraid it would never go away or it would have to be drained. Guess what? When I messaged it and then later stretched I felt it pop. The darn thing went back into place. Not was I relieved. I was just left with some swelling.

Now I'm so glad I was able to pull myself out of that one. No more will I let myself get that way. My hope is to keep a positive body image, strong mind set and be proactive in staying positive and physically active. I'm taking my medication and things have been getting along nice now.

~Brandy Renfrow