Its a Hard Enough Life

Burning the MId-night Oil

I’m just going to start out by saying, I’m hungry! I have this stay plate in the bridge of my mouth now. I have lost all but one molar left on the bottom of my mouth. All my fault though you see. If I hadn’t thought that it was a good idea when a friend of mine whom happen to be a cheerleader told me how she maintained her weight. She simply said she would just throw up. No big deal. I was a flabbergasted at the time being only a freshman in high-school and never heard or thought of anything like that before. I took what she said in that moment with a grain of salt and forgot about it but I did feel bad for her. Wondered why anyone would want to do that on a continuous basis especially on purpose. Little did I know that when I became a sophomore the pressures of being skinny and having boys take notice of you is so prevalent. What I did t realize is that I would remember what my friend had mentioned to me and I would actually act on it. My friend and I where in gym class and weighed ourselves and thought we needed to loose a few pounds. So we decided to make the decision to diet and workout to loose those pounds together. Looking back at it now, we were not over weight but merely as they would say a little thick. Well, weight didn’t seem to come off soon enough and that dieting made me even more hungry so I would eat more than I thought I should have and then feel guilty. Weighing myself constantly, I just couldn’t be satisfied with a small enough number on the scale. Always thinking I was fat. Even at the mere weight of a hundred being 5’4″ wasn’t skinny enough. Talk about a distortion of self. I carried on this behavior for eleven years up until I got pregnant with my daughter. I would throw up even just a few plums or some peas by themselves. I didn’t just purge I was anorexic too. Trying to have that control I was so spinning out of it. I once was in the shower and I almost passed out and my limbs went knumb and I saw stars. I was taken to Urgent Care by my grandma and they hooked me up to an EKG. I could of had a heart attack. You see, when you throw up like I did you loose potttasium and you can have a heart attack. I would throw up until it was all out of my stomach and all that was left was biel. Talk about gross and VERY BAD for your teeth. I didn’t realize that then because no one knew and I was totally unaware what the consequences could be to my oral hygiene. Didn’t help that I was afraid of the dentist too and at that point after loosing a tooth when I got pregnant and another cracked I was ashamed and embarrassed. I finally did face the music with the dentist but by that time I had to have four teeth pulled. So not cool. It was bad though. You know its bad if your throwing up in the sink cause the toilet won’t flush it all the way down without evidence. I was a bit of a fool to think that my family didn’t suspect but no one knew how to approach me about it I later found out so it just continued to happen. I was 17 and didn’t stop until I was 29 years old. I didn’t want to loose my baby so I just watched what I ate and said the hell with the rest. Walked everyday and just took each day one at a time being careful to not forget and just act out of habit. That’s the worst thing about the disease is that it becomes like second nature and you do it without even thinking about it. It a obsessive compulsive disorder I would not wish on anyone. I still to this day have to watch myself to be sure I don’t relapse. If you or anyone else has a problem that sounds remotely like mine please reach out and get help. Its scary to trust and mortifying to admit I agree but it is vital that you understand that it is a very dangerous path. Today, I have only had some relapsing because I was gaining weight because of all the medication I have to take. I sense reeled it in and I constantly have to monitor my thoughts and behavior. I’m sure not looking forward to wearing dentures anytime too soon. IM ONLY 47. Its a monkey that stays with you all the time just do your best to keep him off your back, so to speak for a better lack of works. Good luck and I now will let this rest along with my mouth. Eight more days and I can drink with a straw….Yeah!