I'm here; The long lost Blogger.

Hi everyone and thank you for your patience. I have been going through so much and there are times that I have to use all my brain power and energy within to pull through and stay focused. 

Where ever do I start? So much has happened. 

To start we did move and I can't believe it actually snowed here the day before yesterday. 

Beautiful! 

That is across the street of our new place in New Cuyama. Yes it Snowed!!! Much better than before as my fiance does not have to fetch water nor does he have to fix the pump to the well it seemed like daily. The water still is coming from a well but this one was already set up. This place we are living in now was a Marijuana farm at one point but the owners decided it wasn't working out for them so they rented us the house. More money but when you only have to pay $500/month for a two bedroom house, anything will seem pricier. The move wasn't so bad as the house we are in now is just only about a few minutes drive. We started early though which helped that they told us when it had been sold. So we had just the time before they closed escrow to go. 

Bad news though. The chickens died. It was too hot while we were moving and my fiance got to the house and they were all gone. He called me in shock. I too was in disbelief and sadeded. I had gotten use to them especially Falcor the cock and him the the morning. Cock a doddle do...lol. 

Me right now, well I'm better. I have a mental health appointment tomorrow. Also, got put on the list for counseling. They still haven't called me but this is what happened last time. Guess I have to keep on bugging them. Sqeeky wheel gets the grease right? It's time I start talking to someone else and they get paid to hear me spill my guts.  It's difficult because I think it's so unbelievable that I sound really whacked. But I can't make this stuff up. It really happens and I really did go through what I did before this all came to be. I have stayed silent about a lot of things but the more I stuff the worse it seems to get when it all pours out sometimes to my fiance and or when I'm alone. I like to enjoy my day not just try to get through it. Ya know? 

I still take medication. Still on Wellbutrin, Miritzapine, Abilify and Zyprexa. They don't make the noise or commotion (voices) go away but it does muffle them. 

The hardest part lately is my body image and self esteem. They are so cruel and inconsiderate. Down right shifty. I'm going to say it to;  they really bog down my sex life and intimacy. They always have to put their two cents on what I should be doing with my partner and telling me that I just don't do it for him anymore and I need breast implants. I never thought about getting those until they started in on me about them. Now I find myself looking in the mirror and critiquing my figure. Sucks! It is not an easy task to ignore them and stay in the mood if you know what I mean. We have to stop and then eel like I'm taking away from him because I can't get over what they are saying and how it effects me. It's not always like that but it had been an issue for a little while lately. I did though have a nice Vaeltines Day in and had a home cooked meal with everyone here. My fiance can do a great BBQ.

The only thing still is that the medication causes such bad constipation and none of the prescribed laxatives work! Sometimes it can be a month or so. I have to stop taking the pills and about a week into it I will have a bowel movement. So not only am I bloated like I'm three months pregnant but going through withdrawals of the medication.i have found some remedy through the different foods to eat and in different clombinations. Seriously it's like a science/math formula. 

Still on my vitamins and peptides. I have to say I have been working out and my kegs are getting stronger and my but firmer. I have strated with Casein now at night time as it is a slow burning protein and helps keep your body from going into starvation mode in my sleep. Don't want my body to eat all that new muscle tone I work so hard for, do I? Nope! I have an area to workout in and stretch on my yoga mat so All I do is turn on the tunes and I'm at it. I also have to admit I will get on the floor in my bedroom in the morning or when no one is looking and do situps, push-ups and or squats throughout the day. Kinda weird I know but that's my compulsiveness coming out. 

I changed my hair to brown as you saw in the picture up top. Kinda wish I didn't now but too late. I haven't been liking my pictures lately as the all make me look mad or mean I think. Don't know right now how to change that. I do wear my heart on my sleeve so that could be it. I have been bummed out as I just can't seem to do anything right or live up to their standards not to mention pay the price for anything and everything I have done wrong my whole life. 🙃 

Here's another of the snow. Nice huh?

I did get to see my dogs and we took them on a walk at Alisjo Park which is right down the street. It has a long little drive to the park but it was just gorgeous after the rain. My dogs names are Gucci and Chanel. They stay with my mom and watch ove little Barrigan. He's her 4lb little poodle. Gucci is a Malti-poo and Chanel a Shitzu-Maltese. 

They are best buddies and take care of one another. I got them about a year and a half apart. Gucci is older and more needy but Chanel is my carefree little trouble.

I wanted so badly to stop and pet them. 

It was such a nice day and it was nice to get out of the house.

Well, I have been talking for awhile now and I'm going to leave you with that. I thank you for listening and wish you a great day packed with joy and laughter. 

Take Care until later ~B

Healing Powers

I know what your thinking, where has she been? A lot has transpired but I do have good news.

 My Bakers Cyst went down again and has stayed down. I stayed off it for the most part, I’ve it and just didn’t exercise that much at all for a bit. I also have been taking peptides and collegian plus super food. I drink a shake every morning.  Here’s the recipe:Cup and a half of frozen fruit. Add fresh fruit to it if you have it, Almond milk, fruit juice of your choice and then I used Alchemy Super foods drink, found at Amazon. I also used  Orgain. peptides and  collegian.

I call it my green machine and tastes great. I tell you I feel so much better and so have lost fat not just weight. I think they helped me but I’m sure the other contributing factors had something to do with my healing. I was really scared that that bump was going to stay on my leg forever. It didn’t hurt but I could see it and it’s not that attractive to have. Plus, it kinda bothered me and would put pressure on the back of my leg behind my knee. Not fun. Thankful it’s not inflamed. I’m watching what I eat that I’m not compelled. I have had to watch that monkey that’s on my back. It can rear it’s ugly head at anytime.

My disability finally came through and at the same time a few weeks later my unemployment came in, You see I worked a lot of the time that I was waiting for my disability. I waited a long time for my unemployment and thought for sure they forgot about me and if I was ever going to get to talk to someone. You all know how that was. A bit scary as we had to move to Cuyama after my land lord gave us notice right before Christmas and my boyfriend don’t make very much money. It’s was a good thing I still had some monies from my house being sold. We were lucky that a girl he knows knew of a place we could go. One problem though. He had to level out the house first. Talk about a job. Do just so we had a roof over our heads we asked the landlord if we could stay there while he leveled it out. Luckily he said ok. 

My boyfriend had to go under this house and put wood and cinder blocks to get it to sit level so that the house wasn’t tilting or crash in. Standing in and walking in a unleveled house can make you dizzy. It messes with your equilibrium. We also painted and he put a sink in the bathroom plus flooring. That was alright though yet a lot  of work. 

I have never thought I would live off a highway. I would drive down highways and wonder  about people that did and now, it’s me who people probably wander about. The rent is good but not we don’t have water. He has to go get water just about everyday for showers and flushing the toilet and washing dishes. You know like running water. We’ll have to do that until the landlord gets a hold drilled down. It’s a cute little house though and we are comfortable. 

I have been filling my days with coloring in my books.I did a little Disney and now some anime. I’m using coloring pencils and gel pens, I was using markers but they left a yellow stain on my pictures. Really weird and I’m kinda bummed out about it, I really liked those. 

Mental health appointments are steady every month. Switched my meds again but that is the norm. They sure don’t help sooner things but I’ll tell you that I don’t cry as much. My sex life has slowed down. It’s hard to have an orgasum. Kinda sucks, Get too that point t just can’t reach it, most of the meds B are like that though. My weight has stayed better. I don’t feel like I have fluid under my skin like inflammation, I do get dizzy if I’m not careful getting up to soon. My auditory hallucinations are still there morning and night. Sometimes they are quite and I get moments of silence, I have watched some things on You Tube and they said sometimes they just don’t go all the way away. So I have just resigned myself to them.

I do get down and out plus my self esteem takes a dump because they just aren’t very nice sometimes. They work on your weaknesses and insecurities. It’s like having your own personal bully in your head. Sometimes I just wonder how I’m going to be able to take life like this if it happens for my whole life. If this is what my life is going to be like, that really sucks! I think it’s going to lessen my life span from all the agony and stress. I try to remain positive though and optimistic about the quality of my life. 

I have joint Blue Fever and Trill. I like them for a free reasons but mainly to feel better. Kinda another sense of well-being and therapy, I also been having fun on Snap Chat! I’m just addicted to taking Selfies with those filters. Cheap thrills are my game what can I say. When you live in the middle of no wear a good time is hard to find. Tumblr and Instagram I used too. I have Pinterest but haven’t spent much time in it lately. I did do some videos and put them on You Tube. Not much but for me it was an accomplishment.All this is. Thank you for being apart of it. Your appreciated!

PS. My hair is growing and the rod went out the window so I dyed it dark brown.I like it, maybe back to blonde in a year, will see.

My Reasons & Life Changes

1.  
2. 

   
   
3. I just love working with shapes especially in 3D. Microsoft's 3D and Paint work very nice together.
4. Just wanted to share. 
5. I still need to edit it a bit still.
6. Breathe
7. I have found that there aren't too many support groups out there in our areas for schizophrenia. I feel schizophrenia needs it's own because our disorder is all internal. Nobody else hears what we do or see for that matter. It all takes place in the mind. It's a special thing when you can trust someone or people with your priceless thoughts and not be judged but ony to help by the experiences they go through on a normal basis as well. I know I need the support and I was hoping others do as well. I see it more like a specialized social group. I have also thought that if others lived too far away or couldn't make it in person we could have a GotoMeeting or Skype group via online. If you have any questions or ideas please feel free to contact." I see that nobody has commented. I would sure like to know what your thoughts it feelings are while reading my blog. Don't worry no pressure. I feel like I'm getting cyber bullied and someone is trying to take my blog. Google never gave me renewal for my domain. That right there kinda tells me they don't like me or my blog and what it's about. That's why my domain name is back to blogspot. Also, in Facebook it has been taken over by the Hindu people with their language on my page. Facebook won't fix it and now I have Italian as the language for my blog! I really feel that I'm being harassed. They sure aren't doing anything about it or to fix it. 
8. It really makes me sad not to mention raise my anxiety level.Its hard enough for me to have self esteem, be happy and function. I just about ready to call cyber security on this whole situation. Lucky for me that I did find a phone number in my phone in case of cyber security. I sure hope I dont have to call but I think that where this is headed. 
9. The move was a success and we are in a better place now.  I was so stressed out and that just increases my voices to be worse.
10. Because all my stuff in my house 🏠 was either destroyed,damaged or stolen, I now have to buy everything over. I had a 3 bedroom, 2 1/2 Bathroom house all furnished. It still really blows my mind when I think about it. So with the little money I have
11. left I have to get a bed. Sleeping on the floor is no treat.  
12. I have been thinking of poems, so I have written them and shared them with you. I think they are cute. I'm going to try and write to do more like that. Dont forget I do have freebie stock photos for you. Mostly plant life but they are pretty. 
13. Christmas is coming here straight away, so If I don't get to say Merry Christmas to you here it is.

Merry 🎄Christmas & Happy New Years

Curve ball or Foul? Life and its mysterious nature.

I'm having to rewrite 😕 what I had written but for some reason 🤔 it did not publish and disappeared. I'm kinda heart broken 💔 about it. So here  goes. 

I haven't written in a while because I have been having issues with my medication. I'm trying to not take as much as it makes for a difficult time going number two in the bathroom.TMI I understand but it is a fact of life for me. Doctor has even given me stuff to drink to make it easier because I'm suppose to go every three days at least.I'm telling you the truth when I say sometimes it not until 3 weeks to a month. I get very bloated and just feel very sluggish. That in turn makes things harder with my auditory hallucinations. I know that I should be taking all of them but I think sometimes they need to get reevaluated. My doctor appointment is coming soon so this U will have to bring up. Something that disturbed me too. I was reading on the back of my perception bag that they are monitoring my medication on how much im taking. It looked like to me that it was relating it to my lifespan and how it will effect me over time. Kinda of spooky. I know they have side effects some which I myself wish we didn't have to deal with. I was told by my doctor that some of the medication cause symptoms of cebral palzie and give you twitching or un controlled muscle movements. Kinda spooky huh? I'm already afraid of getting Demetia.  Last week it was so bad I felt like U was at deaths door. You see they tell me things about a lot of subjects and some after very scary. Like about life, how I look, telling me I'm ugly, that I'm a lover and about the relationships I have and their opinion about them, and  how im going to die. It really works on my nerves and self esteem. I have a hard time all over 😪trying to ignore them but it tears me down so much it feels real that what they are saying is true. 

It really doesn't help too when my connection to my blog gets disconnected. My analytics get all messed up and imI feel like it is a personal attempt against me. I realize that talking and writing about my life and this topic about Schizophrenia is controversial. I do to have the freedom of speech as well as expressing myself in order to provide some therapy to my own healing. In turn  hoping others can relate and maybe get some relief from it as well.  

I'm very green and  are still learning.  With my disability it makes it tougher for me to succeed at it. Iam trying, lord knows that. 

I'm very thankful 🙏 that I do have this outlet and know others are readingt it and coming back.

When it rains it pours. We were just told a week and a half ago we have to move out. Bad timing with Covid and Christmas here. So that has been stressful but we did find a place but way out of the city. My boyfriend is disabled and I have my issue so paying high rent is our of the question. I also have to quit my job as it an hour and a half now commute. I really like it there and wish I didn't have to leave. See it was through mental health. I will now hope to find another job, so fingers crossed. I wish I could make money doing this or writing ✍. Probably not though as my writing is a bit disorganized. 

I do want to say that I did put up some photo freebies of stock photos  if anyone wants to download. Just some that I took pictures of in San Luis Obispo downtown here in California, USA. The plant ones are from my work and the others walking around town. I do have some that I'm going to post from Cuyama. 

I do have some exciting news. I have signed up for my name to go to Mars on the next trip through NASA. It's

completely free. I even have a ticket for it. Click this link. NASA, Send your name to Mars.  This is a picture of the new baby star that's in space right now. They made a poster about it.

You should go and check it out. 

It's a great icebreaker and story for

 the kids.

Plus, I'm sure they will want their 

name to go too.

I hope everyone is doing well and 

staying safe. That's it for now. 

Stay tuned for more content.