I will then have fresh cut flowers and that will be nice. We did plant some strawberries but the frost got to them and we don't think they are going to make it.
This month I have my mental health appointment. Last month my new practitioner was looking over my meds and making a few changes. Nothing to drastic. I should be starting up with Safe Haven soon too doing some virtual meetings. Lord knows I need to. I'm kinda having a hard time as I don't socialize, have friends nor do I get out of the house much. I have continued my exercise and that has been going along quite nicely. I actually did up to an hour and a half of cardio. Then of course stretching and and some strength training. The exercise has been good to help regulate my mood although it seems to me that I just can't do enough. I have been really stressing and feeling very insecure with myself and my position in life. I know that I shouldn't have to know everything and should be relatively alright but with the symptoms of my condition sometimes make that very difficult. Every person in life has a need of wanting to be included, respected and valued. I just seem to cone across opposition quite a lot. I don't know if it's because people don't understand me, want to even try to or I just very misunderstood. Maybe, it's me and I'm just trying way to hard to be accepted by my peers. It makes me feel very unsure of myself, what I attempt to do and how I go about facing my daily challenges.
I have a wonderful fiance and he is such a life saver for me. Yet I know he is bias and loves me no matter what and comes to my aide whenever I need him. I just wish I could get some more I sight on how the world receives and sees me.
This road has not been easy for me. Everything changed so quickly, the whole world as I knew it. I no longer could do things the way I used to nor did I know how to. It takes every ounce of me not to play the blame game. I realize that life happens and I just so happen to get more obstacles to deal with than I thought I ever would. It's unnerving sometimes as I have a hard time admiting to myself that some of my capabilities have diminished and I have to learn a different way and try new things. Like with most change is not always wanted, welcome or an easy transition.
I'm greatful that I'm still alive. I have roof over my head and family that loves me. I'm not blind, deaf or have any means of taking care of myself even at times it too is challenging. Lifting my own spirits and remaining positive is sometimes not always seen quite clearly on the agenda. I have always been a positive person so this has really hit me by surprise. I didn't realize at that time how much easier I had it. Losing so much of myself kind of put me in a desperate mode to scanvage for anything that's left.
It was really good for me to take the Ambassador class for Climate change because it raised my confidence. It showed me that I canaccomplish and finish something I set out to do still. The only thing is that I have a hard time putting some if it together. I'm doing my best to raise awareness and inform people of what's out there and what's being done today to help. But there again I hope I'm being received well and not what people would consider out of the ordinary. I worry sometimes about my psyche sometimes with all this self doubt and questionable inclusivity. Sometimes it's hard for me to pull myself out of a rut of feeling inadequate and unwanted.
I really need to get over myself though and hold my chin up. I don't want to loose my relationship and bring my fiance down or feel the way I do because I'm so pulled down and having feelings of despair.
This is why my hope is that I start Safe Haven soon and this other little anonymous program I found last night.
So enough about that, I probably brought you all thinking what a Debbie Downer. I don't want that at all. I have to just have faith and know that I was made in the light of God and there is a plan for me that will bring me to understand myself once more. To be able to smile in the face of adversity and have a confidence from within that will help me shine. I hope everyone of you are happy in your relationships and life. Everyone deserves happiness and feelings of joy.
I'm going to go see my dad soon and that should be very good for me. I don't get to see him very often and he is getting older and can't get around so we ll anymore. I really miss him and I know he wishes he could see my siblings and I more often too. My daughter is doing really well and I'm so proud of her. Her life and school is so busy I kind of feel like an outsider but I know she's happy and that's what is important.
I've got a lot of work to do and it doesn't just stop with buying myself. I think I will take a nice hot bath tonight and have a romantic evening with my fiance. I have to remember that he needs care too and that he not immortal. The other thing too is to try my very best to disregard all the negative things my audio hallucinations like to lead me to believe. Thank you for letting me share. ~B
