Hi everyone,
As I talked before I have been having trouble getting motivated not mention taking a break from my electronic bliss. I have a thing for beta testing and integration.
It have to tell you had been a lifesaver. I should probably take out at least an hour of the day to be social. I'm just terrible at it. I always have been looking back, not to mention a home body.Not sure why. Probably because I was busy at home with my siblings and wasn't really allowed to go over someone else house. I did a couple of times babysit but that's different. I feel like I lived a double life.
Reason I say that is because I was put in charge of my siblings while the parents were away at work. I played little mom/big sister there for awhile. Then there's high-school where I actually was able to socialize get I didn't much. I was a band nerd. I played violin 🎻 when we had an orchestra event and the trombone in the parades, at half time football and completions. Even spent lunch sometimes in the band room. I did fortunately meet a boy 👦 who was a senior and was on the varsity dive team.. Guess what I did? Joined the team to be around him more. So you see me being this way had not a surprise. After high-school I lived with my grandma 👵 and then my boyfriend. Sometimes I wish I could of been that social butterfly and in the popular crowd.
To change the subject do you like my star picture? I made it tonight, I like it. I do plan on making more but with different shapes. Who knows might even be able to create an app. I do try, but my formulas are a bit, I don't know how do you say, maybe just different. I have so much respect for people who can code. My mind just doesn't seem to grasp it.
You know I'm trying to find something that inspires me and I'm good at. Haven't yet still. I really don't know what the future holds for me but I can say this is the first time I have ever felt lost. Unemployed, no more house, child support, 5 year gap from working, family doesn't talk to me really, as they don't know what to say. It's normal and now I have Schizophrenia and hormonal issues. No period after 42 and homonal issues plus early Menopause. What a load. I sometimes I just get so terrified that I cry like like a baby. I tell myself that this shall too pass. At lease that is what my grandma would tell me. So I try to believe it. I have a lot of good energy in me and when I'm happy things seem to be better but it's hard to play game happy when you wear your emotions on your sleeve and I'm in a whirlwind in my mind. My voices can be so awful that they play with my self esteem, motivation, how I see and receive others, and tell me just horrific things. For instance, just a week ago they were asking me about getting a job, calling me a losser, Im stupid; for leaving my past boyfriends and husband's, because they would of been able to financially take care of me and I wouldn't be poor, my boyfriend is going to leave me or sleep with someone else, that when I die I'm going to get bludgeoned to death. That's just last week. How much more can I take? I asked myself and wonder why God thought I was so strong that I would be able to handle this. Who knows right? They had me so terrified 😨 I couldn't hardly breathe. I felt like I was at deaths door. I asked myself where does all this come from. Then I realize, that question will never be answered.. If anyone you know of or if you are experiencing talk to someone and don't let "the voices," contain you in misery, shame or fear. I have my boyfriend and it's not easy to tell him about whats going on but I have found that if I just walk through it with him most of the time it will lose grasp over me and at least let him have the chance to correct what is real and what is not.
Gotta go for now boyfriend brought me icecream 🍦 take care 🙂❤😋.
p.s. If you need someone listen to you or if you need to talk please reach out and email me or give someone else the opportunity to help you get through the rough patches. I check my emails often.
Thank you for letting me share ♡
》Brandy Renfrow
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