I made this video as a little reminder to myself but also because these are some of what as I use when I'm having a hard day. Somedays are better than others but when it's difficult I try to practice these. It's not easy especially when feeling down or full of anxiety. I just start at the top and remember that I'll be ok if I just give myself a chance. Thought I would share and hope they help you. 

Cause and Effect

I have had trauma and this article rings a lot for me. I have been rapped, I was bulemic and anorexic for 11 years, I lost all my hair from a chemical burn. Luckily it has grown somewhat back to what it was. Not as thick and the hair cuticle was damaged. I have been in abusive relationships, verbal, physical and sexual. All these things and occurances not to mention I had an alcohol problem for awhile I believe contributed to the issues I face today. 

I'm not social as I used to be at all. I used to go out everywhere and have a good time. In college I didn't have a care in the world except for making grades. I still then did my own thing for the most part. I would go out to eat, go to the movies, go dancing at the clubs, swim and scate at the beach, you name it, I was doing all on my own and sometimes with friends. I would run at least three times a week about five miles and then go swimming. No time for depression. Just school, homework, work or play. 

I wish that were today. Now I suffer from PTSD, depression, anxiety, and Schizophrenia. Schizophrenia didn't happen till about 43 years of age. It's weird too because I started losing my eye sight at 40 and stopped having a period at 41. I still haven't had a period and I'm 47. Doctors say its just pre menopause but who knows. Just weird all of it happening one right after the other. 

Luckily, I had my daughter at 30 so I didn't miss out on motherhood. 

Im lucky I have this blog because it really helps me. Being able to express myself constructively is important. Hopefully I'm helping someone else realize they are not alone too. 

This article below is a good read. 

The-art-of-processing-un-packing-grief-and-trauma-in-the-brain

Check it out the Olympics!

Click here to see theTokoyo Olympics highligts on Wtop. I put it here because I just love the Olympics and think everybody should know what's happening. 

Summer Olympics Highligts

Try This Recipe

 

The Cat's Meow

This is Akea. I have always wanted to have a cat but I was allergic. My allergies have subsided ever since the testosterone and I don't seem t have that issue anymore. It's great. Now, he was supposed to be a she but it didn't quite work out that way. None the less he is a bundle of joy. His energy levels are kinda erratic but what can ya say. He is so much fun that I'm tickled pink. He just loves to play and so I had to make a few items by hand. Not to mention he sits in my pencil basket and on my page when I try to color. TOO FUNNY! This cat is a character. 

He's in the box. I think he wondered if he would fit. 

He even sleeps on me... LOL! 

Today & Everyday After

I had quite the scare a few months ago. I feel into a deep depression. I didn't want to do anything and nothing appealed to me either. I wouldn't get out of bed but to use the restroom and wouldn't go anywhere not even outside my room. Because of me being that way I lost a lot of muscle. I used to be a body builder so that for me was devastating to say the least. I became a bag of bones in a body that was just an empty sack. I was so out of shape that I became out of breathe just to take a shower. Not only that. I couldn't hold up my arm long enough to brush my teeth. I had to wait and sometimes for my arm not to hurt and hold up my other arm just to brush my teeth. I was in disbelief. It scared me and I felt very ashammed of myself. Not to mention embarrassed so much I tried and hid my weakness. How could anyone dare know that about me, right?

So, after I stopped beating myself up I decided I would do something about it. I started just by trying to walk around the room and pick up after myself. That was a painful task. Again out of breathe and very weak. It took me two weeks of just doing that not to get out of breathe in the shower and a month to brush my teeth with no bother. I also then picked up my 2lb weights and began my physical therapy.

Whatever you do don't do what I did and that is step ups on a chair for butt exercises. Especially in bad shape. I got a Bakers cyst in the back of my knee. That was a little painful but most of all I had a big hard lump there. I quickly read up on it and then again began physical therapy on myself with cold compresses and pressure with a shock tied around it. I did that for three days then I decided to massage it. I was afraid it would never go away or it would have to be drained. Guess what? When I messaged it and then later stretched I felt it pop. The darn thing went back into place. Not was I relieved. I was just left with some swelling.

Now I'm so glad I was able to pull myself out of that one. No more will I let myself get that way. My hope is to keep a positive body image, strong mind set and be proactive in staying positive and physically active. I'm taking my medication and things have been getting along nice now.

~Brandy Renfrow

Optimistically Acknowledging the Past, Present and Future

Optimistically Acknowledging the Past, Present and Futur

 One social media site of mine has been taken over by another language. It’s terrible because I can’t even read it. I have reported it, but it remains the same. Some of it is in English so I know it’s not my settings. I have tried to navi

The Affiliate Programme Migration Checklist

The Affiliate Programme Migration Checklist

Im really interested in this and Im hoping I can get something started. WISH ME LUCK!

May our thoughts be clear, and the heart beat the rhythm of saints marching.

 

Sitting here wondering where have I been? Nothing is for sure and the days and nights seem close together. Flowers on the wall as they were called. Speak from places unknown and seen. The march of the beat,  notes of music, sounds of whispers and incantations. The world of worlds left only in fables and tales of words that only bring meaning when you experience them. Your thoughts exposed and left out to air, pleasant simpletons yet also skeletons, Laughter of pity, sadness is theirs. Desperately yearning for an explanation that won't be sought or told. Though mighty ye stand and talk, chin up, clashes of hunger lashs your boat. Sun be high, horizon steady, winds set sail for new beginnings. Positive thoughts for the ball will may drop. Come in and play for these are the steps of mercy. No guessing or knowing the unknown is faulty. Be careful to lean and adjust is needed. For yes you do feel miles and strain as you have self-worth weighing on how to hold on.  The spirits are woken and shall take flight. Only then will it be told and shown where one has to go. Leaving a trail and mark of passage. Blessings be yours,  hope for forgiveness. One with yourself until the decisions are made. Waiting is now of what is to come, it passes by each day you breathe. Only time will tell the coming and goings of what the outcomes holds and consequences of your behavior. No pain did you cause other than to yourself. thers tormented and slyed your precious soul. O Desperitly seeking those clues and answers that appear to be real. The real seems obvious but in all actuallality its a blur. This is the test of your inner demons bursting with only to play and trick your heart in believeing hes right. You were born in the light of God so you were meant to do and be someone special. It takes the strength you have each and every day to face the challeges that lay before you. Inch by inch you will make it but only if you believe and not fake it. It all or nothing as they say go big or go home. Its that serious if you plan on being part of society. The hyper sensitivity is a gift so hold it close and guard it from evil. Be careful what you feed your mind as your elders were wise to to tell that to you before their time was of passing. Nobody is perfect and you will fall and make mistakes yet that is why your human and put here on this earth. Your job is to overcome with passion and fierce labor so that you may later show guidance to your kin and they will thank you later when they have offspring of their own. Bless you dear child as I know you are grown, tired and weak. Do your best and keep your thoughts postive so you may bring a smile to even a newborn's face. Relish in the laughter of goodwill. Cherish the momments you have and keep safe. If you find yourself down just remeber these words I said. Go now and get some rest , Ill be gone by the time you fall asleep. Dream beyond this world and heavens. Paint yourself a eventful life full of love and compassion. Engage and grow for you are a blessing to yourself and everyone you will come across if you keep your heart clear of temptation and cruelty. I whisper now as I'll leave you be. Count the many stars as your eyes close and your mind drifts. Your body is your temple so stay healthy and noble. Remember to always tell you loved ones you love them.

Salvador Doli, have we met?

     

Image from Bing

                      
 Half of my days lately have had me with my head down just holding my head and SCREAM I can't even explain the commotion and confusion it causes. I take my medication; I eat regularly but I do know I need to get more exercise. Being where I live there is a highway that goes through instead of a regular street in a neighborhood. The temperature is really cold and the wind burns my ears. We don't have a whole lot of room in our place to a whole lot. I do have small weights but that's just for my arms. well, enough complaining about that.

Next up, the internet has been a real subject with me. It has been so touch and go it can be very frustrating to do what I want to accomplish. They all talk about inclusion and personalized this and that but even the job placing companies are getting it wrong. I almost feel as if the are mocking me. I shouldn't feel this way but just like my family is they don't know what to say to me or even how to act so they just stay away for the most part. This Christmas I was shocked that my two sisters gave me a couple of present for me. Not to mention my mom seems to be coming to see me and call more often. 
I do have to tell you it has been very difficult to pay attention not just to what Im doing but anyone no one in partcular. My medication was just raised but like I told the new doctor now, I don't think they are going to go away and I'm going to have tp deal woth this for the rest of my life. That was pretty hard to say as my days are long and I miss it being quiet. You know when you just lye still and close your eyes there is nothing but silence. You are so LUCKY because I never get that. The most I got a taste of was just a couple of times. There was no sound and I was astonished. then just only a few seconds later they were back. A lot of people kina poke fun at this and end even my boyfriend trys to make light of it but I don't think its that funny. Not when your stuck like this and knew another way of life. Not to mention all the pills I have to take and the many times they have either changed it or uped the dosage. He said to me the other day when I said I need to pick up my presciption, "When are you going to be able not to take those. All they do is throw pills and more pills at you. You could pratically start a pharmacy." He just doesn't understand that my condition is real.  It's very depressing so I try to distract myself as much as possible with fun things our notable subjects. 
I hope all of you are enjoying my blog. Maybe sometime you can leave me a message. I don't have any friends of my own and it gets very lonely sometimes. We don't neccesarily have to be friends but it would give me some insight on how Im being received. I do have to mention I did sign up to write for the Medium. When I write my first story I will share it with you all.
According t Google Analytics throughout the year it has made it to 25 different countries. I was very impressed to see that. I know there is a STIGMA to my condition so I do understand you not wating to be affiliated with me. Nami right now is walking in different counties. The closet to mine which is Santa Barbara is Ventura. They ask people to make a pleadge to fight STIGMA. You can find them on the internet at www.NamiVentura.com for more resources or www.Namiwalks.com for the updated event. I really wish they had one here and I thought it would be a good idea if we had one in San Luis Obispo County. It would be great as they have a lot of streets that dont get a whole lot of traffic and could possibly shut down just for that event. If you decide to go please email me and send a pic. That would be the best present ever! Just kidding but it would definetly make my day and then I WOULD SMILE. Thats saying alot because when you smile you heal yourself and it changes your physiolgy for the good. I try to smile every day even if I'm feeling down. Well I will leave you with that and everyone have a cheerful day and make someone smile.

The Questionable & Strange Microwave.

Have you ever wondered about coincidences? The reason I bring it up is because I have a book called Being Brave and today when I opened it to the day of today it talked about money. My boyfriend and I were just discussing our budget and how expensive laundry is to do.  I don't know about  you but I worry about money all the time. It does say in the Bible that God will provide but having that dollar bill in your bank account is so reassuring. Especially now with the pandemic. Everyone could use a little bit more of it.  Speaking of which I think there is another stimulus check coming. 

Today has been an early day.  Woke up at 6:30 am. I of course hear hallucinations all day and night. They even wake me up and sometimes they will even remind me of things I have to do for the day.  

The strangest thing today. I was heating up some water in the microwave and no more then me turning around I hear a noise.  It wasn't in front of me so I leaned over the counter and behind the microwave I could hear a radio station. NO JOKE! I want sure at first so I backed away for a bit and then went back over to it. Sure enough it still was playing.  I could hear the disk jokey talking.  The water was done so the microwave went off. The radio station was no longer there. I kid you not; that radio must have  picked up the microwaves frequency or something. My boyfriend just looked at me like I'm crazy or something,,,lol He couldn't hear it so he thinks it's part of the hallucinations. I say no way this was different. Sometimes the auditory hallucinations can throw the voice, sound,or rythum. I also know that they used microwaves and radios in World War 2 to send over bombs. So if you think about it look it up or even check if your's does it. It only is playing when the microwave is running.. Enough of that. I'm thinking that I'm going to put a link list with my favorite websites. 

Anyways, I'm still on the job hunt and trying to find things to keep me busy being productive.  Oh one more thing.  If you want to try a cool app. Chroma Lab is way cool. This picture is one that I made. So catcha later. 

Let's Get it Right.

I have been doing alright. Waiting now on my disability hearing to take place on my birthday of all days if you can believe that. 

I was just told by my medication manager that there is a test that I can do which they will swab the inside of my mouth and take DNA. This test will be able to tell which types of medications will work for me the best. I wish they had that before now but I get to find all about it more next week. 

I was really proud of myself today. I actually did laundry all by myself at the laundry mat. My boyfriend usually comes with me doing just about everything with me. He such a good guy and very supportive. 

I still continue to have auditory hallucinations, if that is what they want to call it. They say that they probably won't fully go away but can be managed. I do agree as the medication does lower them but not all the time. One thing is that I feel I'm closer to the spiritual side of life. I have even thought maybe I'm a medium yet that seems pretty silly.. I ask myself all the time where these voices and racket is coming  from. They are not always correct about things in my life but they sure do spread light on a lot of different aspects of it.

I'm really trying to be more social and to come out of my room more than not. I do wish I could find a job but it's difficult living in Cuyama. Anyone know of any online jobs available? 

Yeah me! I have now gone a whole day and half without a cigarette. I think I'm gaining a bit of weight but that is to be expected. I'm trying to be aware of my actions and not pick up any other bad habit to replace smoking.

I don't know if anyone is into scrapbooking but I have a ton of paper I could really get rid of. I also have lots of acrylic stamps too. I have collected this stuff for quite sometime and it means something to me. If you are interested in knowing more information please email me or leave a message here.

I'm going to leave here with that for now and I hope to be writing more often. 

Energy at last!

 Hello all, I'm so happy to announce I can actually say I'm on point again. Connectivity issues should be relieved as soon as Viasat shows up to install our WiFi. So excited as I just received the Google Nest and Chrome cast in the mail. Not to mention my Samsung Flex needs attention like STAT! I had to factory data reset the darn thing and thanks to Microsoft, Google and Samsung  have everything backed up. 

Yes that's my crazy boyfriend playing with the packaging from our rugs. He so funny being cute!

We orderdered rugs from DHGate which is a app on Google Play. I have to say for the prices and the crust mer service I rate them two thumbs up! Check them out. Now my stuff and sure a lot of it come from China and Japan but they are on point. Shipping and delivery did not take that long and shipping was FREE! How can you beat that? I highly recommended  them. You also can get wholesale and business prices. 

He just loves crystals!

This one I thought I matched the colors of my bedding to the rug perfectly!

Now for a more diligent exercise and that would be my boyfriend's son's resume. Talk about stretching my minds eye. Dealing with mine is one thing but to be requested to help on theirs is another.

I'm still looking for collaborators and possible anyone who would enjoy or benefit from being an author on my blog. I do have my colorbook printable blog for just showcasing art therapy and sharing plus my Pinterest site too. I have many pins but I don't think many think I'm all that organized. That is the beast of my disorder and all I can say is...."I deal with it and push on", of course to the best of my ability. I personally think and congratulate myself on what I have achieved so far. 

If you or if you know any be who would be interested please email me. Gotta go for now but ta ta for now.

Cheers,

Brandy 

 

  

Connectivity Issues.....argggg!

 I’m having the most difficult time right now with my devices. Ever since they raised my medications I just can’t seem to keep it together. Talk about memory issues. It’s from my passwords to my account names and which one goes to another. Not to mention getting these devices to get on the internet sharing.  I had to factory reset my computer and now it’s a matter of getting it updated again once I can get it on the internet. I guess I may have to do that with my phone too because it’s not sharing it’s hotspot right. 

My brain has been so tired and just not very clear thinking. My stomach has been so upset too. I think these medications may be too strong now. It’s just a mind sweep just to do a simple task it seems. Just like right now, it’s the middle of the afternoon and I’m yawning. What the heck! 

I just don’t know what to think. Listen to me just babble on about poor me.... what nonsense is this?

Trying to think of something to make myself feel better. What I probably need is a Real Job! Good luck with me doing that right now not to mention I’m an hour commute to anywhere where  I’m living now. Being in Cuyama has its benefits of cheap living but a job is an hour away. Driving under these medications is not the safest. I wish I could find an online position. 

Anyhow, not much else going on other than that. I have my next mental health appointment coming up whereas they are going to discuss my blood tests I just had to take. They had thirteen different test requested according to the lab tech and seven viles of 🩸. No kidding. 

Hope all is well with everyone. I’m going to sign off now though as I keep yawning. Maybe if I just rest my dizzy head I might feel better.

 

F=y My M2 / r2

 where is the justice league? - Google Play

This is just a feeling that I have been having about my whole situation presently and for awhile. I don't mean to be a downer or have a bad attitude so I'm just going to shut up now. 

Starting my collection as I feel it will help keep me on track with staying focused not just with reading but to keep a bit to the lighter side of life. I do love my X-men. I don't know if you do, but the only book I have ever read cover to cover is somewhat of a child's book. For some reason I have a thing with real life and reference guides. Not to mention causes and educating myself in terms of applied knowledge. They seem to be the only reading I can endure. I do have a bit of a all over the board reading style and I tend to jump from chapter and paragraph to paragraph when it catches my eye and interest.

But hey, Maybe if all goes well and I can keep my head in the gel I will actually come across a few or one that us worth 💰. Not that that is at all what its about. I just love The Big Bang Theory and think it would be a cool and exciting community to join. Maybe someday I will see you at Comic-Con. 

Oh and about the equation....Just had to use it to see how many people were going to recognize it from the first page of the comic where it was referenced.

Gotcha 😆

Cheers 🙂🐈🚗

Enjoy Coloring and deSignal? I found this cool app.

How To Draw Justice League - Apps on Google Play

despasito piano tilles ☑ - Apps on Google Play

International Help

I was just searching on the net and found this website. If your i need please call. 

https://www.suicidestop.com/call_a_hotline.html 

Arms wide open and always have an ear to bend.

Hi everyone,

As I talked before I have been having trouble getting motivated not mention taking a break from my electronic bliss. I have a thing for beta testing and integration.

It have to tell you had been a lifesaver. I should probably take out at least an hour of the day to be social. I'm just terrible at it.  I always have been looking back, not to mention a home body.Not sure why. Probably because I was busy at home with my siblings and wasn't really allowed to go over someone else house. I did a couple of times babysit but that's different. I feel like I lived a double life. 

Reason I say that is because I was put in charge of my siblings while the parents were away at work. I played little mom/big sister there for awhile.  Then there's high-school where I actually was able to socialize get I didn't much. I was a band nerd. I played violin 🎻 when we had an orchestra event and the trombone in the parades, at half time football and completions. Even spent lunch sometimes in the band room. I did fortunately meet a boy 👦 who was a senior and was on the varsity dive team.. Guess what I did? Joined the team to be around him more. So you see me being this way had not a surprise. After high-school I lived with my grandma 👵 and then my boyfriend. Sometimes I wish I could of been that social butterfly and in the popular crowd. 

To change the subject do you like my star picture? I made it tonight, I like it. I do plan on making more but with different shapes. Who knows might even be able to create an app. I do try, but my formulas are a bit, I don't know how do you say, maybe just different. I have so much respect for people who can code. My mind just doesn't seem to grasp it. 

You know I'm trying to find something that inspires me and I'm good at. Haven't yet still. I really don't know what the future holds for me but I can say this is the first time I have ever felt lost. Unemployed, no more house, child support, 5 year gap from working,  family doesn't talk to me really, as they don't know what to say. It's normal and now I have Schizophrenia and hormonal issues. No period after 42 and homonal issues plus early Menopause. What a load.  I sometimes I just get so terrified that I cry like like a baby. I tell myself that this shall too pass. At lease that is what my grandma would tell me. So I try to believe it.  I have a lot of good energy in me and when I'm happy things seem to be better but it's hard to play game happy when you wear your emotions on your sleeve and I'm in a whirlwind in my mind. My voices can be so awful that they play with my self esteem, motivation, how I see and receive others, and tell me just horrific things. For instance, just a week ago they were asking me about getting a job, calling me a losser, Im stupid; for leaving my past boyfriends and husband's, because they would of been able to financially take care of me and I wouldn't be poor, my boyfriend is going to leave me or sleep with someone else, that when I die I'm going to get bludgeoned to death. That's just last week. How much more can I take? I asked myself and wonder why God thought I was so strong that I would be able to handle this. Who knows right? They had me so terrified 😨 I couldn't hardly breathe. I felt like I was at deaths door. I asked myself where does all this come from. Then I realize,  that question will never be answered.. If anyone you know of or if you are experiencing talk to someone and don't let "the voices," contain you in misery, shame or fear. I have my boyfriend and it's not easy to tell him about whats going on but I have found that if I just walk through it with him most of the time it will lose grasp over me and at least let him have the chance to correct what is real and what is not.

Gotta go for now  boyfriend brought me icecream 🍦 take care 🙂❤😋.

p.s. If you need someone listen to you or if you need to talk please reach out and email me or give someone else the opportunity to help you get through the rough patches.  I check my emails often.

Thank you for letting me share ♡

》Brandy Renfrow

My Reasons & Life Changes

1.  
2. 

   
   
3. I just love working with shapes especially in 3D. Microsoft's 3D and Paint work very nice together.
4. Just wanted to share. 
5. I still need to edit it a bit still.
6. Breathe
7. I have found that there aren't too many support groups out there in our areas for schizophrenia. I feel schizophrenia needs it's own because our disorder is all internal. Nobody else hears what we do or see for that matter. It all takes place in the mind. It's a special thing when you can trust someone or people with your priceless thoughts and not be judged but ony to help by the experiences they go through on a normal basis as well. I know I need the support and I was hoping others do as well. I see it more like a specialized social group. I have also thought that if others lived too far away or couldn't make it in person we could have a GotoMeeting or Skype group via online. If you have any questions or ideas please feel free to contact." I see that nobody has commented. I would sure like to know what your thoughts it feelings are while reading my blog. Don't worry no pressure. I feel like I'm getting cyber bullied and someone is trying to take my blog. Google never gave me renewal for my domain. That right there kinda tells me they don't like me or my blog and what it's about. That's why my domain name is back to blogspot. Also, in Facebook it has been taken over by the Hindu people with their language on my page. Facebook won't fix it and now I have Italian as the language for my blog! I really feel that I'm being harassed. They sure aren't doing anything about it or to fix it. 
8. It really makes me sad not to mention raise my anxiety level.Its hard enough for me to have self esteem, be happy and function. I just about ready to call cyber security on this whole situation. Lucky for me that I did find a phone number in my phone in case of cyber security. I sure hope I dont have to call but I think that where this is headed. 
9. The move was a success and we are in a better place now.  I was so stressed out and that just increases my voices to be worse.
10. Because all my stuff in my house 🏠 was either destroyed,damaged or stolen, I now have to buy everything over. I had a 3 bedroom, 2 1/2 Bathroom house all furnished. It still really blows my mind when I think about it. So with the little money I have
11. left I have to get a bed. Sleeping on the floor is no treat.  
12. I have been thinking of poems, so I have written them and shared them with you. I think they are cute. I'm going to try and write to do more like that. Dont forget I do have freebie stock photos for you. Mostly plant life but they are pretty. 
13. Christmas is coming here straight away, so If I don't get to say Merry Christmas to you here it is.

Merry 🎄Christmas & Happy New Years

A Hero

 

                       It's all in a quil   

                     by the flick of the wrist

                        and ink to paper

                         You're a genius

                      and some say a poet

                     Your Johnny Hancock

                         signed and legal

                          Your legit and 

                     Success becomes you

                        Congratulations 

                            my friend

                                                  

                                       

Stronger

Big Red Nose

A Kiss