Just was thinking, So I'm writing.

Hi everyone, it's been a while since I have written again. I'm so terrible. So terrible that I haven't even stuck to a diet, nor have I been exercising. More like feeding my face and twiddling my thumbs. What's worse I'm sitting here telling you all this and I'm eating chocolates...LOL. 

Hope you like my picture I made it with Affinity. Thought I would put it in here instead of none at all. 

The days have been long, but the time does fly by a bit when I'm playing my interior design games, Boy am I stuck on those. Never in my right mind would I think that I would be playing them so religiously like I do. I have been posting them to my Tumblr. I guess now Tumblr is doing a thing where you can get tipped. I wish I could come up with a good idea for that. I have been a little depressed because I can't really think of anything that I'm really all that great at. Not to mention, I would like to sell something online but not too sure about what. I do have a Deviant Art account and I would love to be able to sell some of my art but in all honesty it's not all that great and nothing compared to everything else you can get there. My self-esteem has been kind of in the dumps.

We do have good news here on the home front. My boyfriend has figured out how to get the water to get pumped from the well to the house. What a relief that is as now he doesn't have to go to our friend's house to fill up the container full of water. The landlord is happy of all happy because now it has just raised his property value and it didn't cost him near what it could have. It's very interesting how he figured out how to do it. It was all mostly physics. I certainly don't understand most of it, but it makes sense to me a little when he explains it. 

Good news is the voices have been relatively low these days. It's nice when they are as it can be very dauting when they just go off all day long. My medication is working about the way it should except I have been getting dizzy quite a bit. Not so good. I did buy some more supplements and vitamins that I hope will help. I'm going to try a new multi vitamin and boost up my magnesium and vitamin B complex. I'm still drinking my shakes which I totally enjoy. That is how I make sure I get the proper amount if super foods, peptides and protein. I also did get another supplement to help with cognitive and brain function plus something to help with my progesterone levels. I was reading that if they are low, it can cause depression and also sleep issues. I do have sleep issues so I'm hoping that these vitamins will help supplement with that. I have been pre-menopausal sense I was 41. Some of that has caused a lot of other issues with me that I'm hoping I can help Aliev with my new regime. I do have to remember to take plenty of water which I forget to do. I get caught up and before you know it the day is over, and I have had little to none but coffee and my shakes. 

I have been staying to myself a lot lately which for me is good as I need that alone time to settle within myself. It gets very difficult to pay the proper attention to people and hold conversations when I'm not as centered as I should be to handle to common disturbance that they cause. Sometimes I feel like I'm all consuming, but it is kind of necessary for me to maintain my disposition and clarity. 

On another note, my cat is getting so BIG! He is so attached to me it's funny. He follows me all around the house and has to be sitting with me when I'm doing my thing. I did pick up painting in hopes to uplift my mood and concentration. It's paint by number which I have never done before. My aunt used to do them when I was a kid all the time. They do them on canvas now without the frame. It is a long process as there are so many little numbers. They give you very little paint which at first, I didn't think was going to be enough, but it was. I bought two of them and the other I think I will send to my niece as she loves to pain too. My hope is that I will be able to finish it and not give up. That is a big thing with me. I try to make sure I finish the projects I set out to do. Sometimes it takes me longer than others but for the most part I do succeed. My boyfriend wants to frame it when I'm done but we will see how it all turns out. 

Did you notice I have a new Logo? I made one before this one with a program called Affinity. It turned out all right, but I thought I would do another so that I can order some promotional items and even a t-shirt for my blog. Wouldn't that be cool? I'm the one that stands in between me being lost and confused within voices and delusions that are not so easy all the time to tell between reality and what is not. Holding true to who Iam, keeping up with my nutrition and medication and my truth helps me to differentiate and keep my sanity. That's what my logo is all about. 

Oh, I did find a group call the HVN Network, which is the Hearing Voices Network. We meet via Zoom and discuss all sorts of things. It's nice that I was able to find them. I can't really remember how I came across them as I do a lot of research. If you or anyone else is interested, please feel free to email me. 

A little funny from me.

Here's a video I made just having fun. Editing is a whole lot harder than it looks but kinda fun. I'm going to try and make some more. They were fun and it brings a little bit more entertainment. I should have made this longer...oh well, next time!

 

The ABCs of Schedule A (Work Opportunities for the Disabled)

The ABCs of Schedule A: The ABCs of Schedule A

Affirmations

I just subscribed to an affirmation app. Of course I'm doing the first three day trial. Sometimes I think I will like the app and then I fall short using it. I'm not as dedicated to things like that but I know it's good for me so I should make time in my schedule for it. Not like my life is all that busy anyways. 

Anyhow this app just said one that is for self care. I had never heard that term quite put like that before nor self love. I read it on Linkedin in one of the stories and they used that as a tag. So now I know but I still have a hard grasping the whole idea on how to get there and what things I should be doing. Not to mention ideas on how to procede further. This app I clicked self care and it said one that really got me. 

Make the rest of your life the best of your life. 

The reason for this is now I struggle more so than I ever have before. It's more diffucult for me to learn new things and retain information. I move a lot slower than I ever have and I have always worked my whole life and now I'm on disability. How do I sincerely start to consider the rest of my life the best? Should I just consider each day and an improvement from the next and know that I'm moving forward everyday? Is that making it the best? That's the hard part to because I'm so much further back then I was before this all happened. Maybe I should give myself a break and know that if I do my best everyday that I'm making the rest of it the best. That's probably the way I should see it. I do like that affirmation and it will remind me to think positive not just day to day but long term as well. 

One thing is for sure I need to take the time to let this sink in everyday before I move on to the next. I have a issue with paying attention to things like this. Probably because my whole life I had been so independent. I lived by myself, bought my own car, house, was working and taking care of my daughter. Today is so much different. I don't work, sold my house, and now live with my boyfriend. God bless his heart he's not a bad thing but I do depend on him more than I would like to. I don't want to be codependent. I really don't have much of a choice though in the matter but I woukd like to be more happy with myself and my life progression. You know what I mean? 

Well, I thought I would share that information with you. Oh yeah, I did buy a book about living younger as we get older. I'm going to have to add that to my schedule to. Read some of it and then I think I will write about it. Make it a combination. Read the affirmations and then read on how to stay younger. That sound  good to me. I just wander what you all do for self care and love. I hope I'm on the right track. 

Everday, One at a time.

Its been a whirlwind. Now that the holidays are over I can focus on writing more. One thing I do have to say is my Baker's cyst went away for good. I'm so happy I was afraid it would never go away. 

I have been trying to get myself motivated to start exercising again. I do a few push ups and stomach crunchies every so often but I have been lagging on a full fledge workout on a continues basis. Its really cold here where I live right now in the mornings and at night. I just want to stay all bundled up and eat. LoL. I do gain a few pounds during the winter but my shake regime and working out, I should be doing all right. 

Definitely not where I used to be because we don't have a gym near by. Stay focused and disciplined enough to get yourself through the day and continue it on like a new lifestyle. Thats the way I do it. I won't buy food that I may be tempted to eat and I know is bad for me. Even though I do give myself a cheat day. I will only buy food for cheat day on that day. Cheat days are very important. They help replenish you and spur your body into letting go of the bad fat and taking in the good.

 We have to fool our bodies a bit when it comes to dieting. When we have cheat day we throw the body off by eating bad foods because you have been holding that back for so long while dieting. So your body has a field day and has no problem shedding that extra bad fat off.  It sounds funny but it works. You will feel skinnier sometimes after a cheat day. 

Cheat days are only once a week and you will find after a while you tend to forget about them. 

Water tastes different, the body reacts differently, and you start to form muscle which then burns that fat at a higher metabolic level.

Thats my spill on working out and dieting. I'm no doctor or specialist so all I can say is I know from personal experience and training. 

Another thing, its so boring here! I cannot express that enough. 

I know have an addiction to interior decorating apps! I have spent more money on those apps then I ever thought I would even be on the phone for that long. It has been a small fortune and don't realize it until the good ol' Bank Statement! 

If you haven't played the games then I say buyer beware! They have helped me though. My focus and "the voices" are a bit more in control when my energy is so focused on something else. It has also pumped up my creative juices. That's probably why I'm here writing this. Just got to pull myself away and unplug from it more often. The picture above is one of my designs I did on Home Design. The others are Design Star and Redecor. They are all fun and consuming. 

My medication is another thing. I have to take so much. Its awful to my hair and skin not to mention my weight and energy levels. 

We at the South County San Luis Obispo are still waiting for our new provider. I guess we are changing doctors. Who know well find out when they call to reschedule our appointments for December. I'm actually thinking about going to the shot. I have eight bottles of pills at one time to sort throughout the day to take. 

Oh, I did get trainers (which we call tenni shoes) to walk in and possibly run so I've got to get going on that. I have to physch myself out so I will do this. I will have t take some progress pictures and share my shake and meal ideas. Eating clean is not difficult if you prepare and stick to the game plan. Oh yeah last but not least Happy New Years.

Beat that Plateau with this Workout.

It's the Halo workout. You can train to be fit like the Spartans. Full body workout you can do without even leaving your home. I'm anxious to give it a go and I promise you I will most certainly be wobly the next day. I have trained and worked out for many years so I can tell you this one is challenging, even for the fittest. Go on take a gander you won't be dissappointed. Plus there are cool shots from the game. https://www.fandom.com/articles/halo-workout

Look out Harley Quinn

Isn't she just so much fun. I made her as a sticker on my Samsung phone and the background is my own art piece. I used alcohol inks on a piece of glossy cardstock. Then I imported into My computer and placed Microsoft's 3D movie effects. I think she came out pretty cool.

The Numbers are in.

Apple has their own Country Music Radio station!!!! Just kidding about the numbers, I just think it's too darn cool.

I did read though and have been keeping it to myself that we will be hoping to step on the moon once again in February. 

I have found some great information about Chandra. I found a downloadable and printable calendar plus lots of activities to get you through those stale hours. Small fun fact is that it takes about as much power as a hair dryer to run Chandra. Not to bad for a satellite huh? https://chandra.harvard.edu/edu/print.html

I kind of have been MIA here for a while but it seems like I don't know what to say or if you will even be interested in following what I have to say. I'm being a victim of my own self being a ding dong. I have to believe in me more. Putting that one on a post it notes glued to my forehead next time.

I also invested in my physical exercise program I plan on implementing tomorrow. Starting out small again. I'm so all over the board that I don't bore myself, but I sure don't finish and get back to or even continue programs I set for myself. Lots of unfinished work but I kind of got the short end of the stick when in my life it's all about progress not perfection anymore. But boy do I sure try. 

I bought a kettle bell, one of those big balls so I can strengthen my core and running shoes comfortable enough to make any excuse and black, so I don't have to worry about them getting dirty. All we have here is open fields of dirt around this 11-acre property, so in that sense I really don't have any excuse there then excuses and procrastination to get my hinny out there and at least walk. I get down on myself letting all that muscle go. I had built up my body so much that when I lost all that muscle I was like a baggy sack of a bag of bones. I'm slowly but surely getting my chest, shoulders back. My legs are so so and skinny it makes me wanna cry. MY dari'-are is flattening out....I can't have that so I may as well use it before I loose it ...Right?!!!!!!!!? I would if I most kindly can ask if someone if not you would message me and see if I'm still alive or staying on track. I kinda call my own shots and so here I am. 

I love mental health but as many times I explain my 'voices' situation they just don't get it, It's just one of those things I suppose that I will have to chalk up to one of my distinguished qualities. 

Check this out. I was playing with Micrososft's math program and made this equation. I was pleasantly shocked that it actually was workable. Go figure!!! I never know about me sometimes.

((896960+jk97-j64=037/987

Evaluate

jk97-j64+885299557/987

Solution Steps

99896960+jk97-j64+037/987

Convert 896960 to fraction 885299520/987 and 37/987 have the same denominator, add them by adding their numerators.

Add 885299520 and 37 to get 885299557.

885299557/987=jk97-j64

Factor 987jk97-987j64+88529955/987

Solution Steps

((987jk97+885299557-987j64/987

Factor out 1/987

987jk97+885299557-987j64/987

Wow, what a whooper huh? I just love running numbers and playing with calculators. I have some pretty funny stories about I'll save those for another day. I'm getting tired and want to design or re-design another room and I have to take my meds. I really have to keep up with the anti psychotics as the what I call "noise" or "calamity" gets really loud sometimes because my mind is just still and nothing to focus on. Keeps me up at night and I won't get any sleep at all. It's better to get to sleep and have a break to wake up to them  then not to sleep at all. Ya know. 

Anyhow, I have a book that I found at the laundry room in our town that I hope to share some great information with you especially for its aging women. WE all age, it just depends on whether we smile through it or complain about the crows feet and wrinkles we are bound to since birth. Oh yes, gonna have another small peptide smoothie too. Keeps my system running at full potential and my energy and vitality stay strong. That's another reason for working out because I figure a string body will keep my mind just like that and they both can work simultaneously together that way.

Till next time...be good to yourself. I too will keep an eye out on my actions, thoughts and behaviors and hold myself accountably for them yet be kind enough to grow from it.

Brother’s Wedding

 

This was at my brother’s wedding. We did our best to look sharp and leave an good impression. I think we succeeded. Jeff has such a nice smile here.

Concert with translator for the deaf!!!!

Awesome Concert!!!

Just what the Dr. ordered!!!

Just came in from Amazon via UPS! 

I found these cards while surfing around the net and think they are fabulous! I'm going to see how they affect my sense of well being and make posts accordingly. I'm positive this is going to be uplifting. Hopefully inspire me to write more often.

My Regime

This is what I call my Green Monster Machine!!! Packed full of all kinds of goodness. This keeps me lean and full of energy considering I have to take all those darn meds. I have been through so much with my body changing for various reasons that I try to fill it with as much nutrients as possible. 

My Latest Favorite Past Time

My Redecor Designing Experience

Design Star Venture

A light has gone off and for me interior design has helped tremendoulsy. I have developed an design appittude; experienced and learned so much from competing in these two games. It forced me to research and focus which in turn relieved anxiety and depression. It did come with it's fustrations yet overall the positive output out weighs the negative and I have been inspired and grown so much in this discipline. I have been experiencing an overall better sense of well being and feeling like a kid right before Christmas or thier birthday to find out the outcome of the challenge set before me.

 In the essence of Giving Tuesday, I give much thanks to the developer/s 🙏🙌😀 and Google Play. 

Above are the two links to some of my designs which are in some fabulously creative, streamlined, flops and bloopers. I ask only that you are kind and not make comment in less you have something nice to say or constructive criticism. 

Have a wonderful holiday!

Healthwise [Non-profit📈]

Healthwise

Disabilities & Gender Idenity (GUCCI)

Disabilities & Gender 

Its a Hard Enough Life

Burning the MId-night Oil

I’m just going to start out by saying, I’m hungry! I have this stay plate in the bridge of my mouth now. I have lost all but one molar left on the bottom of my mouth. All my fault though you see. If I hadn’t thought that it was a good idea when a friend of mine whom happen to be a cheerleader told me how she maintained her weight. She simply said she would just throw up. No big deal. I was a flabbergasted at the time being only a freshman in high-school and never heard or thought of anything like that before. I took what she said in that moment with a grain of salt and forgot about it but I did feel bad for her. Wondered why anyone would want to do that on a continuous basis especially on purpose. Little did I know that when I became a sophomore the pressures of being skinny and having boys take notice of you is so prevalent. What I did t realize is that I would remember what my friend had mentioned to me and I would actually act on it. My friend and I where in gym class and weighed ourselves and thought we needed to loose a few pounds. So we decided to make the decision to diet and workout to loose those pounds together. Looking back at it now, we were not over weight but merely as they would say a little thick. Well, weight didn’t seem to come off soon enough and that dieting made me even more hungry so I would eat more than I thought I should have and then feel guilty. Weighing myself constantly, I just couldn’t be satisfied with a small enough number on the scale. Always thinking I was fat. Even at the mere weight of a hundred being 5’4″ wasn’t skinny enough. Talk about a distortion of self. I carried on this behavior for eleven years up until I got pregnant with my daughter. I would throw up even just a few plums or some peas by themselves. I didn’t just purge I was anorexic too. Trying to have that control I was so spinning out of it. I once was in the shower and I almost passed out and my limbs went knumb and I saw stars. I was taken to Urgent Care by my grandma and they hooked me up to an EKG. I could of had a heart attack. You see, when you throw up like I did you loose potttasium and you can have a heart attack. I would throw up until it was all out of my stomach and all that was left was biel. Talk about gross and VERY BAD for your teeth. I didn’t realize that then because no one knew and I was totally unaware what the consequences could be to my oral hygiene. Didn’t help that I was afraid of the dentist too and at that point after loosing a tooth when I got pregnant and another cracked I was ashamed and embarrassed. I finally did face the music with the dentist but by that time I had to have four teeth pulled. So not cool. It was bad though. You know its bad if your throwing up in the sink cause the toilet won’t flush it all the way down without evidence. I was a bit of a fool to think that my family didn’t suspect but no one knew how to approach me about it I later found out so it just continued to happen. I was 17 and didn’t stop until I was 29 years old. I didn’t want to loose my baby so I just watched what I ate and said the hell with the rest. Walked everyday and just took each day one at a time being careful to not forget and just act out of habit. That’s the worst thing about the disease is that it becomes like second nature and you do it without even thinking about it. It a obsessive compulsive disorder I would not wish on anyone. I still to this day have to watch myself to be sure I don’t relapse. If you or anyone else has a problem that sounds remotely like mine please reach out and get help. Its scary to trust and mortifying to admit I agree but it is vital that you understand that it is a very dangerous path. Today, I have only had some relapsing because I was gaining weight because of all the medication I have to take. I sense reeled it in and I constantly have to monitor my thoughts and behavior. I’m sure not looking forward to wearing dentures anytime too soon. IM ONLY 47. Its a monkey that stays with you all the time just do your best to keep him off your back, so to speak for a better lack of works. Good luck and I now will let this rest along with my mouth. Eight more days and I can drink with a straw….Yeah!

Film Works

Volunteers Needed

 I was in mental health today and found this on the corner for whoever is interested.

Healing Powers

I know what your thinking, where has she been? A lot has transpired but I do have good news.

 My Bakers Cyst went down again and has stayed down. I stayed off it for the most part, I’ve it and just didn’t exercise that much at all for a bit. I also have been taking peptides and collegian plus super food. I drink a shake every morning.  Here’s the recipe:Cup and a half of frozen fruit. Add fresh fruit to it if you have it, Almond milk, fruit juice of your choice and then I used Alchemy Super foods drink, found at Amazon. I also used  Orgain. peptides and  collegian.

I call it my green machine and tastes great. I tell you I feel so much better and so have lost fat not just weight. I think they helped me but I’m sure the other contributing factors had something to do with my healing. I was really scared that that bump was going to stay on my leg forever. It didn’t hurt but I could see it and it’s not that attractive to have. Plus, it kinda bothered me and would put pressure on the back of my leg behind my knee. Not fun. Thankful it’s not inflamed. I’m watching what I eat that I’m not compelled. I have had to watch that monkey that’s on my back. It can rear it’s ugly head at anytime.

My disability finally came through and at the same time a few weeks later my unemployment came in, You see I worked a lot of the time that I was waiting for my disability. I waited a long time for my unemployment and thought for sure they forgot about me and if I was ever going to get to talk to someone. You all know how that was. A bit scary as we had to move to Cuyama after my land lord gave us notice right before Christmas and my boyfriend don’t make very much money. It’s was a good thing I still had some monies from my house being sold. We were lucky that a girl he knows knew of a place we could go. One problem though. He had to level out the house first. Talk about a job. Do just so we had a roof over our heads we asked the landlord if we could stay there while he leveled it out. Luckily he said ok. 

My boyfriend had to go under this house and put wood and cinder blocks to get it to sit level so that the house wasn’t tilting or crash in. Standing in and walking in a unleveled house can make you dizzy. It messes with your equilibrium. We also painted and he put a sink in the bathroom plus flooring. That was alright though yet a lot  of work. 

I have never thought I would live off a highway. I would drive down highways and wonder  about people that did and now, it’s me who people probably wander about. The rent is good but not we don’t have water. He has to go get water just about everyday for showers and flushing the toilet and washing dishes. You know like running water. We’ll have to do that until the landlord gets a hold drilled down. It’s a cute little house though and we are comfortable. 

I have been filling my days with coloring in my books.I did a little Disney and now some anime. I’m using coloring pencils and gel pens, I was using markers but they left a yellow stain on my pictures. Really weird and I’m kinda bummed out about it, I really liked those. 

Mental health appointments are steady every month. Switched my meds again but that is the norm. They sure don’t help sooner things but I’ll tell you that I don’t cry as much. My sex life has slowed down. It’s hard to have an orgasum. Kinda sucks, Get too that point t just can’t reach it, most of the meds B are like that though. My weight has stayed better. I don’t feel like I have fluid under my skin like inflammation, I do get dizzy if I’m not careful getting up to soon. My auditory hallucinations are still there morning and night. Sometimes they are quite and I get moments of silence, I have watched some things on You Tube and they said sometimes they just don’t go all the way away. So I have just resigned myself to them.

I do get down and out plus my self esteem takes a dump because they just aren’t very nice sometimes. They work on your weaknesses and insecurities. It’s like having your own personal bully in your head. Sometimes I just wonder how I’m going to be able to take life like this if it happens for my whole life. If this is what my life is going to be like, that really sucks! I think it’s going to lessen my life span from all the agony and stress. I try to remain positive though and optimistic about the quality of my life. 

I have joint Blue Fever and Trill. I like them for a free reasons but mainly to feel better. Kinda another sense of well-being and therapy, I also been having fun on Snap Chat! I’m just addicted to taking Selfies with those filters. Cheap thrills are my game what can I say. When you live in the middle of no wear a good time is hard to find. Tumblr and Instagram I used too. I have Pinterest but haven’t spent much time in it lately. I did do some videos and put them on You Tube. Not much but for me it was an accomplishment.All this is. Thank you for being apart of it. Your appreciated!

PS. My hair is growing and the rod went out the window so I dyed it dark brown.I like it, maybe back to blonde in a year, will see.

 Hi there everyone. I have been on a whirlwind of comings and goings. Not to mention I have been trying to get this Baker's Cyst down as well. It's almost all gone but I do notice when I get on a high activity level it comes back. 

Kelly Slater : « Dix ans de travail pour créer cette vague ! »

Kelly Slater : « Dix ans de travail pour créer cette vague ! »: Kelly Slater lève le voile sur la désormais célèbre KS Wave, la vague artificielle parfaite qu’il a présenté dans un clip vidéo il y a quelques semaines. Dans une interview accordée à Todd Prodanovich, de Surfer Magazine, le 11 x champion du monde américain explique que le projet a été développé sur...

 

I made this video as a little reminder to myself but also because these are some of what as I use when I'm having a hard day. Somedays are better than others but when it's difficult I try to practice these. It's not easy especially when feeling down or full of anxiety. I just start at the top and remember that I'll be ok if I just give myself a chance. Thought I would share and hope they help you. 

Cause and Effect

I have had trauma and this article rings a lot for me. I have been rapped, I was bulemic and anorexic for 11 years, I lost all my hair from a chemical burn. Luckily it has grown somewhat back to what it was. Not as thick and the hair cuticle was damaged. I have been in abusive relationships, verbal, physical and sexual. All these things and occurances not to mention I had an alcohol problem for awhile I believe contributed to the issues I face today. 

I'm not social as I used to be at all. I used to go out everywhere and have a good time. In college I didn't have a care in the world except for making grades. I still then did my own thing for the most part. I would go out to eat, go to the movies, go dancing at the clubs, swim and scate at the beach, you name it, I was doing all on my own and sometimes with friends. I would run at least three times a week about five miles and then go swimming. No time for depression. Just school, homework, work or play. 

I wish that were today. Now I suffer from PTSD, depression, anxiety, and Schizophrenia. Schizophrenia didn't happen till about 43 years of age. It's weird too because I started losing my eye sight at 40 and stopped having a period at 41. I still haven't had a period and I'm 47. Doctors say its just pre menopause but who knows. Just weird all of it happening one right after the other. 

Luckily, I had my daughter at 30 so I didn't miss out on motherhood. 

Im lucky I have this blog because it really helps me. Being able to express myself constructively is important. Hopefully I'm helping someone else realize they are not alone too. 

This article below is a good read. 

The-art-of-processing-un-packing-grief-and-trauma-in-the-brain

Check it out the Olympics!

Click here to see theTokoyo Olympics highligts on Wtop. I put it here because I just love the Olympics and think everybody should know what's happening. 

Summer Olympics Highligts

Try This Recipe