Self-Doubt Help for the Creator in Me

It's funny how the world works. I was just talking about me having self-doubt just the other day and I'm surfing the net today and find this great website which is about answering your creative calling. I just so happen to stable along this video called How to Break the Habit of Self-Doubt and Build Real Confidence. I encourage you to watch it as it may help you. Just passing along what I found to be in line with God's grace. It definitely hit a lot of keynotes with everything that is going on in my life. I hope you enjoy it. I'll be touching base back on this subject after I watch the whole thing as it is 16 lessons long. The site is Creative Live and does have other videos so you might want to check it out. 

Self Doubt

I sure have been struggling with this for a while now. You wouldn't think so as I blog away anyways and continue on to work as nothing seems to bother me. Things bother me more than I let on. Maybe some people will agree with me but I try to put my best foot forward every day and not to bring others down but try to uplift them as to uplift myself. That sure was a mouthful but it's true.  I have been working on quite a few things diligently and nothing seems to be coming to fruition for me. 

My house still needs to be sold, my social security keeps getting denied even though my doctor put me on disability, I've gained 20 pounds and my clothes don't fit, I live like a pauper and sometimes have to go to the women's shelter to get food and  I have gone on a few different interviews but no job yet, This seems like I'm just being a cry baby and maybe so. This is my healing agent and so if I journal in it, I hope that's ok. 

I'm really trying to keep my head up. I really do miss coloring and would love to get a coloring book but I'm poor and need every last bit for gas and food. Sometimes I wish I were rich! I married well the two times that I did but the relationships didn't work out. I think often if I stayed I'm those relationships I wouldn't have these problems. Probably, not these problems but maybe most likey something else. I guess I should just be happy with what I do have and the wonderful people around me who support me in every way they can. I'm very grateful.

Sitting here writing is very meditative especially with music. I don't think of it as isolating or being too much of an introvert yet other times I disagree. I'm not wish-washy I promise...LOL. 

One good thing though the voices have been very calm lately. Possible my new meds, I'm sure on a high enough dose I would hope they would work at least a little bit. 

Even if I get my house sold I still have to figure out where to live and how to pay for it. I just hope things turn around for me soon and I see a brighter light at the end of the tunnel.

Practicing mindfulness and using coping strategies are okay right now. I could do better. I need to read more. Does anyone know of anything worth reading right now? Sometimes I think it's okay for me to be sad but I don't like it when I doubt myself and not publish some of the things that I write because of rejection. I am going to publish this and if you have any thoughts please share them with me and leave a comment. I appreciate it. Peace~

Schizoaffective. schizophrenia & Schizophreniform What's the difference?

I was just recently looking up Schizophrenia vs. Schizophrenic and to my surprise, I found more information than I ever thought I would. I didn't realize that there is a difference between the three types of Schizophrenia. Here is a video in which describes it.Schizoaffective. schizophrenia & Schizophreniform. This is truly amazing yet complicated and good to hear this video if your ever trying to understand this, 

Embrace Our Union

DOR, Department of Rehabilitation Act

I found a link that seems to me is a simpler view and explanation. It has information too as well as contact information. You can find that here: Get Pocket Read on DOR . There are many more contacts to Washington D.C. and more laws I didn't know about. Which I'm still learning and am happy to hear about. It does lead you to the full site of DOR but it is something I thought you might like too. The main site to the Department of Rehabilitation Act is https://dor.ca.gov/Home/RehabilitationAct.

Schizophrenia Life Today: Inspiration 4 the Day

Schizophrenia Life Today: Inspiration 4 the Day: Talk about fighting stigma or just boosting your self-confidence even after having a tough go-round. This guy has a pure heart and a special...

Inspiration 4 the Day

Talk about fighting stigma or just boosting your self-confidence even after having a tough go-round. This guy has a pure heart and a special way of thinking that I sure do appreciate. It made me think about my last name and it is Shorts. I was teased a lot in my younger years about it so I dropped it as soon as I could after getting married. I hear what he has to say and I wrote this. 

    They tell me to go wear shorts, "Shorts", I say I'm in it for the long run. I have to be as it has taken me a long while to pull myself up after all that I have been through. I still have yet to find that "dream " job". that is okay as I have faith and a friend of mine told me this morning. Always keep the faith. It will never let you down. Well, I have to post the link to this video,  Art / My Way. Morley is featured on FineArtAmerica has a great message and I  encourage everyone to listen to it. He goes above and beyond and that is always what I try to do myself. Go BIG or Go Home, That has always been my moto and I have excelled in everything I have put my mind to. I didn't know when I was a little girl that I would travel around the world and even have the chance to see the pyramids in Egypt, Cairo but I have. I didn't know I would get schizophrenia and be schizophrenic but that's ok. I have lost everything that I'm used to but I'm investing change and have faith that my life will go better in a different way. Enjoy the video. and the message.

ADA National Network Information Guidance and Training on the Americans with Disability Act

According to the ADA National Network Information Guidance and Training on the Americans with Disability Act.,  you will find it interesting about people with disabilities and the workplace. It's surprising to me the percentages that they have. This is definitely a good read for anyone with a disability looking for a job or has one, whether or not to disclose and your rights.https://adata.org/factsheet/health

English:

https://adata.org/sites/adata.org/files/files/Mental_Health_Conditions_final2018.pdf

Spanish:

https://adata.org/sites/adata.org/files/files/Mental_Health_Conditions_final2018_Spanish%20.pdf

The CARES Act

Information On The CARES Act For People With Mental Illness

Job Hunt & to Self- Identify

I now have been looking for work for over a couple of months but before I started looking,  the question I had in my thoughts was wher\ther or not to tell my employer I'm schizophrenic.  In my mind, I thought it would be the right thing to do. I mean they are going to find out when I need to apply for insurance, aren't they?   I sure do want them to know how to help me in the case of a relapse. I myself already have self-identified just by making this blog as well as being open about it to everyone I know and Facebook. 

Come to find out, most employers now do ask you to self-identify. They plainly ask you just right after asking you if you have received food stamps,  what race you are, and whether or not if your a protected veteran. There is a part where they ask you to disclose whether or not you have a disability. they then give a bunch of examples of what a disability is considered and low and behold Schizophrenia is on there. I then have to check the box that I in fact do have a disability and hope it doesn't lessen my chances of being interviewed or hired. Now not everyone asks but I'm finding more corporations do. I did though apply for Allan Hancock College and they asked as well. Now if I'm in denial and don't claim that I am what then happens when you try to get health insurance with them?. See there that's the thing. So like a good girl I checked yes I do have a disability. Now Social Security has denied me twice now and is still in an appeal where have I will probably have to go to trial. I'm going to explain this to the judge especially if I haven't been hired yet. See they think I'm capable of working but what if it's stacked up against you and you don't get a chance because maybe the company will consider you a liability. These are the things I think about and will have to be discussed when I go to trial. My hope is that I'm given a fair chance because of my experience and at least get an interview. I have had a couple of interviews now and during it they did not ask me any questions regarding my disability. So maybe it's just for Human Resources information. Who knows really. I'm just wishing for the best in my job search and to you as well.

Funny that I wrote this because I was just talking about it to my cousin and she sent this article to me.

Should You Disclose a Mental Illness During the Hiring Process?

I do have to agree with it but I don't think the people who wrote it have been looking for a job online lately. It plainly asks you and I suppose you could deny but yet again what happens when you want to get insurance. I have never been asked during the interview process and if I was I would be open and honest. I honestly don't think I ever will be either just like they don't question your race when you put down what it is. There is stigma and probably always will be, I just hope that we can only get better. 

I did just find this and I expect you will find it interesting. https://adata.org/factsheet/health

Intimacy with Schizophrenia

Intimacy and being in a relationship has its challenges having schizophrenia. Auditory hallucinations happen for me all day long into the night. Even with medication I still have to cope with them, It does quiet them down but they are still there. This would not just be for my relationship with my boyfriend but even having a conversation in which I wish to pay close attention to with a close friend. 

In the bedroom, it's the most difficult. You could laugh and think of many different things but it is quite serious as it can drive a wedge into your relationship. It all goes back to those voices and what they tell you and what is being said while your trying to engage your partner, 

I personally have had a bit of trouble with this and get frustrated as well as my partner not really knowing how to react to it or know what to do or say. 

Auditory hallucinations are interesting to explain because I'm sure they are different for everyone. I can only explain how they are for me personally. They feed on what I'm feeling thinking and what I'm doing at the moment and from the past as well as they give their two cents on the situation. They can also be random and just chatter too.  I ask you to try and imagine engaging your partner in a heated moment of passion or wanting to be passionate when you have so much going on in your mind. It's not an easy task and it shouldn't even be considered a task at that. What do you tell them? I personally have to stop at times and just hold my head and stay quiet. I'm then asked what is wrong. That is not a question that is easy to answer other than saying it's my voices are too loud and are interrupting my follow-through. I take my medication at night and it pretty much puts me to sleep within half an hour to an hour of taking it. That then means I have less time of being awake. Sometimes they are so loud at times I will take my medication early and then my partner is disappointed because of the limited amount of time that he has to be with me,  

I try so much to ignore them and just concentrate on the moment and the love I have for him. This too is not a subject that I have even discussed with my doctor because basically it's left up to me how to deal with them and set the voices aside. Here we go again though as they are not easy to ignore. Speaking with my friend's I have learned to block them out. Although, they do bother me sometimes because it interferes with my concentration and I feel as if I miss half the story sometimes. I will ask my friend though to repeat themselves without feeling sorry for it. I have explained my disorder to them and so they do know what the issue is with me so that makes it a bit easier not to get down on myself. This brings me to say that communication is key.  Being open and honest and fighting the stigma of the disorder is important When communicating with a partner is going to quite different from a friend or anyone else. First and foremost you have to be comfortable and strong within yourself to be able to put yourself out there and explain and hope they understand, if they don't it's not you. It's them who need to try and gain a better understanding. That's easy to say but what if they reject you because of it? I have feared the same. I myself have this to deal with my whole life and only need people who will be patient with me in my life and inner circle. So I am honest with everyone and am not afraid to self identify. It's more important for me to have them know and gain understanding then for me to hide it and live in fear of rejection, communication or just being myself.  If you chose them as well as they did you to be with romantically involved with or just a friend it should be a challenge both are willing to work through. Yet how soon do you self identify?  Everyone is different and you have to gauge that for yourself. I personally don't come right out and say I'm schizophrenic. I say my name and it's nice to meet you. As conversation takes place and I see whether I want the relationship to move further than eventually, it does come up as a topic. It always will and you can't run from that, We are different and it will come into play because they will notice something different about you and you will want to be able to know them better as well pay more attention to what they are communicating to you. I just don't like it if people think I'm not paying attention to what they are saying or limit the amount of time I spend them. I don't want them to think it's them that I don't want to be around because I haven't explained my disorder and how it is for me. Communication with everyone will be different but is a must. If not the relationships that could have been will no longer be an option. 

To have Schizophrenia but to be Schizophrenic

I love this quote from rtor.org (please click the link) because I feel it is so true. I am schizophrenic and do have schizophrenia but it doesn't define me as a character nor as a person with morals, values and ethics. It doesn't tell you all my personality traits and the activities I like to participate in. It doesn't mean that I make a bad mom nor a poor sibling or daughter. Just means, like anyone else who has some kind of health condition I have to cope with it. Be the best person I can be and enjoy life just the same as anyone else. I count my blessings and am grateful for the wonderful support system I have. 

Reflecting

Today I have been reading on Making Meaning and the concept behind it. It's all about transitions and the stages of life that we go through. After everything that I have been going through and feeling like a loser for my situation yet still trying to better myself. I feel I'm moving through my transitions in life not too bad being now that I have done some footwork and laid some ground I'm now reaping the benefits, as you would say reap what you sew. Things around me and what I'm doing is coming to fruition.  So far so good, so I can honestly say I'm proud of myself today. 😇

TMHA Virtual Meetings

Click the link for the schedule of the groups and classes offered. 

THMA Schedule of Virtual Groups & Classes

I am personally very excited about these meetings and tend on joining into a few of them. They are using Zoom to conduct the meetings. Get familiar with it as it's fairly easy to use on your phone, tablet or computer. You can download zoom at the play store.

Life has been pretty hectic for me right now but I still have time for me and this is how I plan on spending the time. Hope you will be apart of them as well. Growing Grounds is still looking for more volunteers always at the farm if your interested. Call Frank at (805) 543-6071.

My Resume

I'm so proud of myself for finally finishing a resume that I can really can say I like alot. This has been a long time coming. I hope everyone else thinks good of it as well.

Denied Again yet Looking Forward

It has come to now know that social security is denying me again after I appealed for disability. They feel I'm not severe enough not to work but I never said that I was not able and am at this time working, My point was that I'm unable to do the tasks and perform at the level in which I was before. So  I'm still looking for another job. I'm staying with Growing Grounds as I feel that it has enlightened my life in many different aspects. It has provided me a positive place to help develop myself and get back in the swing of things. I don't want to set limitations on myself as I feel that would only hinder my own personal growth. I'm enjoying what I do and I do feel that it is time to add on more responsibility. I have a lot of obligations going on at this time that require a lot of my energy yet I feel that getting another job would help not only financially but for my own  well being and self esteem. I need to be able to take on these tasks with ease and handle life's ups and downs without feeling down and frustrated. I'm very great full for this blog as it helps me to be able to share and communicate my fears, worries and hopes and joys .It has been one of the best healing tools for me.  So if anyone is reading this thank you for your time and alloying me to share, Right now in this time I'm applying for outside jobs rather jobs preferably not behind a desk. It seems to me that the auditory hallucinations are more critical and daunting than when I'm more active working. Which makes since in a way that it doesn't allow to much time to be in my own head sort of speak. Anyhow, wish me luck as I'm embarking on the job hunting task. I just hope with the whole idea now that they ask sometimes to self-identify I don't get passed up for the interview or job. Another thing to look forward to though is Breaking Barriers. I feel that it will help a lot and with job support I should be doing well soon in a position I will flourish and grow with.

This is way too cool!

I just loaded up Blogger and now I can edit my blog without an app.  I just have to say thank you. I just don't even know what to do with myself now. 

I just looked and it hooks up to Google Photos too. WOW!

Big cheers to the Blogger team and Google for making this available.

Task by task.

I haven't been very good at updating lately. I haven't been feeling all that up to par as the voices had been getting louder. I disguised this with my doctor and she raised my Abilify to 30mgs. Also, we added Miralax so I'm able to exercise those demons at least every three days. This medication is terrible for clogging me up. 

Enough of that, Growing grounds is going rather well. I found a nest with some eggs last week and posted it on Facebook.  Found out from Google Lens it was the American Robin who laid them. I was also educated by one of the girls that this weed I had been pulling is high in antioxidants and Omega 3. Purse Lane is its name and it grows everywhere. I did taste it and not to bad, seemed to me like wheatgrass.

I did have a setback as I was denied social security disability. I have appealed but hoping my mind will give me a break as I will probably have to find a second job. The medication makes me so tired. I hope things turn around for me on that issue.

All in all, I love the picture above. It's one of those reminders I need sometimes.

My house has also hit the market. It is officially up for sale. Bittersweet I tell you. 

I wish I could stay but I guess it's time to say goodbye to it coming soon. 

Who knows what's going to happen with my life. I'm trying not to think too far ahead and just try my best day by day.

Growing Grounds

I finally got a picture of their sign. Today was a good day even though at first it was cold  The rain brought the ever so not wanted weeds. We weeded today for uggg three hours. Somebody's gotta do it though right? It's easy to say I got my fill of weeds for the week. I did it again and forgot my gloves. I was so mad at myself because no only did I have to weed without them,  we weeded Atlas which is mostly cactus. My poor hands but I will heal. If I didn't explain it before Growing Grounds has their plants separated by the planets of the solar system. Kinda cool way of organizing. We have some beautiful plants I haven't ever seen before and it's always cool when we plant the babies. Tomorrow will be my last day of volunteer work and then I'm officially on the payroll. Yeah me! 

These Darn Holidays, tisk tisk

I hate to be a downer in such a holiday as Easter but I feel sad. I feel sad because we'll to be quite honest my family doesn't know me anymore and really aren't wanting to it seems like. Ever since I knew something was wrong with me and then of course getting diagnosed schizophrenic my family has been very distant. Probably most of that is my fault as I wasn't really myself and yet still I don't really feel myself either. In all honesty not being myself is probably because I'm not anymore and won't be. This journey my life has taken me is often lonely even though for the most part I'm around people. I stay to myself really a lot as what I call "the chatter" keeps my distant inside. If that makes any sense. This is why I have been reaching out trying to find other schizophrenics to talk to and hear from them how they cope and are able to overcome and get out of themselves. It's difficult to explain to a "normi" what it's like for me. I really would like my family to join me in some therapy but I don't know how to bring it up nor approach them or the situation at all. I so desperately feel the need to find some closeness and understanding from both point of views, theirs and mine. I'm struggling with all that I have lost and where my life is going. How everything is even going to possibly work out. I just try and stay positive but the tears find themselves still falling down my face. That I know doesn't help and I do try not to dwell and find something else to focus on. Please if anyone knows of anyone else who is open to it I would really love to hear from them it would help a lot. Thank you for letting  me share and taking time to read this.

Growing Grounds

I'm excited to say that I get to volunteer at a place called Growing Grounds where they have cut flowers and plants. If everything works out there I have the opportunity to make this a job. 

Updates

Hope House for March is pretty much done and still their doors will be closed until probably late May. Although, they are setting up to do online groups in a couple of weeks with Microsoft Teams. That also means that The Spring Job Club 2020 will be postponed until further notice. They will still have it and they are going to have another Job Club that is going to be more one on one that will be more intense but you will get payed to attend. The main office number to find out when they re-open their doors and when the Spring Job Club 2020 will commence is (805) 540-6500 ext. 0. Obviously, only those who qualify will attend.


Please be kind.

While on was in Havasu, AZ I had a breakdown and had to go to the hospital. They gave me this information:

Terros Health 24/7
NO-COST
Mobile Crisis Services
1-877-756-4090
Integrated Cares Crisis Line operated by Crisis Response Network

Southwest Behavioral Health Services 24/7
1301 West Beale Street
Kingman, AZ 86401
1(928)263-6515




Please be kind.

Announcement

 Provider Directory & Mental Health Plan Beneficiary Handbook

Please contact me as I do have the Behavioral Health Clinics and Contract Providers for Mental Health Services information available. (805)266-0147

Please be kind.

Slo County Behavioral Health South County

Mental Health

354 S Halcyon, Arroyo Grande

(805) 473-2105 (Youth Services)

SAFE: 1806 E. Grand, Arroyo Grande

(805) 474-2105 (Youth Services)

1350 E Grand, Arroyo Grande           

(Adult Services) (805) 474-2154

Drug & Alcohol Services

1523 Longbranch, Grover Beach

(805) 473-7080