Self Doubt

I sure have been struggling with this for a while now. You wouldn't think so as I blog away anyways and continue on to work as nothing seems to bother me. Things bother me more than I let on. Maybe some people will agree with me but I try to put my best foot forward every day and not to bring others down but try to uplift them as to uplift myself. That sure was a mouthful but it's true.  I have been working on quite a few things diligently and nothing seems to be coming to fruition for me. 

My house still needs to be sold, my social security keeps getting denied even though my doctor put me on disability, I've gained 20 pounds and my clothes don't fit, I live like a pauper and sometimes have to go to the women's shelter to get food and  I have gone on a few different interviews but no job yet, This seems like I'm just being a cry baby and maybe so. This is my healing agent and so if I journal in it, I hope that's ok. 

I'm really trying to keep my head up. I really do miss coloring and would love to get a coloring book but I'm poor and need every last bit for gas and food. Sometimes I wish I were rich! I married well the two times that I did but the relationships didn't work out. I think often if I stayed I'm those relationships I wouldn't have these problems. Probably, not these problems but maybe most likey something else. I guess I should just be happy with what I do have and the wonderful people around me who support me in every way they can. I'm very grateful.

Sitting here writing is very meditative especially with music. I don't think of it as isolating or being too much of an introvert yet other times I disagree. I'm not wish-washy I promise...LOL. 

One good thing though the voices have been very calm lately. Possible my new meds, I'm sure on a high enough dose I would hope they would work at least a little bit. 

Even if I get my house sold I still have to figure out where to live and how to pay for it. I just hope things turn around for me soon and I see a brighter light at the end of the tunnel.

Practicing mindfulness and using coping strategies are okay right now. I could do better. I need to read more. Does anyone know of anything worth reading right now? Sometimes I think it's okay for me to be sad but I don't like it when I doubt myself and not publish some of the things that I write because of rejection. I am going to publish this and if you have any thoughts please share them with me and leave a comment. I appreciate it. Peace~