Totally Random, Journal entries shared.

My walk on the pier at Pismo Beach

November 8, 2020

Physical activity is not looking good at the moment as it is blowing wind right now. Very hard and blowing pollutants too

 Need to check the report again about the quality of air. So, I

 will be inside. Maybe I'll just do a stretch. Depends on how many distractions I get. I really wish the gym would open.

November 13, 2020

Exercise & Whatever else.
1.went shopping today so that got me out of the house.
2. Vons took a lot longer than expected, waiting lines for the register and me being a lookie loo loo. 
3. I was able to find my car.
lost the face masks I bought today. bummer because they were Christmas ones.
4. Logged in with Google Maps and fixed work location. Also did more reviews. Fourteen more points and I will be level four


I'm always trying to find my car. It's like I totally draw a blank when I come back out a store. I'm so enthralled with the excitement and then the focus that it takes can be daunting. If I don't I forget stuff, go down an isle and forget Why I went there. Sometimes, I can't make up my mind and I will go back and forth literally to what I want and what I might want to exchange it for as it being what I really wanted or want. Not to mention I'm totally talking to myself and even arguing to myself. 
I do catch myself and look around hoping nobody is paying attention or even happen to notice. 
It's a tough gig going to the store for me. Sometimes I even get lost in thought just driving there. Then realize what I'm doing and what I'm supposed to be doing. 
so, I do like to make check lists of you will of the things I got done. My accomplishments do I don't feel so down on myself.


November 16, 2020
I downloaded this app and it says I should journal every day and do these steps as to feel better about myself. So, I'm sharing with you some of my Journaling. Not much but random day to day stuff everybody does from day to day. My guess though your days and thoughts are much more organized than mine as well you're writing and thought process to write things down are quite a bit different. Not to mention, you're probably thinking why is she writing this kind of stuff. Who cares right? Well, it's not your fault. This is my disease/ disorder. You just don't know how to relate. Someone like me would totally get it. You see. 


November 16, 2020 second time today.


This is have to tell you. Oh yeah forgot to tell you what I'm talking about. The goal you have set here for reading four books. It will never happen. Not that I can't, well sorry of. Just don't have the discipline to do so. I have read too this day only one book from front to cover and that was Harry Potter, the first one. After that would be Ernest Hemingway. Didn't get all the way through but a good part of it. Lack of concentration. Been this way since I was young. I hated book reports, did them but never read any of the books. Just scanned the pages, marked down some events and then have my opinion. Plus sorted through to find the key players. Always went from the back to front, first few pages of each side then one third of the book on each side to complete it. That was basically the meat of it the "middle". Passed every time and got that gold star. Bad huh? Did better with Algebra. I also love to short read. This Bits of subjects and things I find fascinating and important. Also, terrible with TV. I find doing things for a long time in length is just a no go. I lose my interest and will look maybe that I get it but I don't and have to put keywords that were used to pull it together. That's how I did it at the bank. Most of what my lead was saying went right over my head. For the most part at first. Takes a bit more I think for me than it did for the others to gain understanding before I'm able to actually do it hands on. Those compliance tests were tricky. But I used the same concept to pass them. Some of what was told to us in briefing, that's what I call it to match concepts. The brief helped me to correlate and be able to recognize to bring it actually as a transaction. The teacher is the one that gives clue to what's important and will come up later. 



Did talk to my mom today. She told me about the insurance company sending her a text. They did me too an email. No one told my homeowners insurance that I sold my house. Yikes! 
We'll all is fine and will receive a small refund.
Probably and thinking I may do my car insurance with them. not sure just yet. 
oh yeah back to harmony with family. Mom's not sure if she is going to do Thanksgiving dinner. Still a week yet to go so we will see. I will have to go it alone.
My feelings about family are all over the board. It is my family and a weakness for me. I can maintain but I don't know about the others primarily my sister, I would like to see my girl. I think it will be predictive of what Christmas will be like. 
Mom and are ok right now. She claims she thinks of me and worries. I can understand that. She did help me with clothes to work for the bank. 
My daughter well that remains to be seen to. It is being taken slow. 🐌 I think she is liking the idea that I'm here for her. My family is having difficulties relating to me as well as having to take it for what is worth and deal with it. I'm patient, they will come around all-in due time.
Really makes me sad but it took time to get to this place so I know it will take time now and maybe not at all. 
Just have to well, try and bring something inside myself that is happiness. Dealing with all this mental stuff and just everything that has transpired, it is difficult. 

November 17, 2020

Ok, another day. First off, I made coffee and ate cheerios for breakfast. A little hanky panky with boyfriend. Didn't take a shower but I put deodorant on and brushed my hair with my new found favorite now brush. Wearing a dress today and high heels. Sure, hope that the bottoms don't come off like the other ones In the dollar tree. That was way embarrassing! Anyhow, just need to finish my make-up, not lipstick though. No point with the mask. First, get meds, 2nd, return the dress at Marshals 3. Spend Walmart gift card $30 from NORC the Facebook survey research. We will see how this works. I still have a $10 Dollar one from the other survey. See it was a compilation of surveys and we were compensated for participating. 

Guess what happen to me? I found the Salvation Army Christmas tree right there when you walk in the store. I felt like doing something nice for a child and their family. You see when we were kids, we didn't have much money and one year my mom couldn't afford to buy Christmas presents nor put a lot of food on the table. We are Indian and my mom has a number. So we went to the hall and mom got cheese, bread, milk and probably other food items. Then we were approached by some people who kindly asked us to go to the tree and pick a present. We were so surprised and did not expect that not food my mom. So, since I have a bit of money from selling my house, I felt encouraged to do for someone else who doesn't have. So I picked a ticket of the tree and it had on there the child's name, age, and what they needed as well as a wish item. It was fun to pick it out and imagine how the child would smile the parents will see and feel that people do care. 

I let you in on the way I deal with things, my thought process and how it works out with the way I write think and feel. I'm fairly smart at least I would think so. I did graduate from high school, got an AA degree. Have worked many years in jobs from here to England 🇬🇧 UK. I have been married two times and have a daughter and bought and owned my own home. But now this is what I deal with and it's not being what I once was that is challenging. I hope that these writings gives you a peek hole into my lifes' day.

I hope this day treats you well. My next day will be coming soon. I just see everyday as a blessing yet a challenge. I will walk through it and have the strength to smile on as I seize my day for what it's worth. Try not to trip myself up too. Lol 😆 Bless you all. Thanks for reading and allowing me to share.

                                                            

Cockadodledoo

Check this out! I was walking down to my hairstylist and turned my head and noticed these roosters were just roaming down the street. I was shocked but entertained at the same time. Though you might get a kick out 

of it too so I just had to share. From what I was told is that they live there and are allowed to roam around. Way better than being in a pin all day. 

Orange

I wrote this as I was sitting thinking and I had taken a picture of some orange flowers at work. I don't know why but these words starting flowing in my mind. They do that sometime, so I wrote typed them out but for some reason I stumbled with my fingers and deleted it.  I was so sad, but I thought to myself it was probably meant for me to try again and it would come out better. It did at least I think so and I wanted to share it with you.


  Orange
Orange is a color
of energy and sporting events
provides us florals and citrus fruit.
vitamins and nutrients
helping us live a healthy life
bright and bold as 
a sunset in the evening
that lays across the horizon

It makes you feel at home

and warms you when your cold

cinnamon and apple cider during

Thanksgiving

 reminding you of fall

Joyful memories 

fun and delightful

for it helps celebrate

a color of the rainbow

Even though it's secondary

It's as vibrant

as they are grateful for

its contribution to the wheel

You remind me of these

as you walk today

yesterday and future comings

you my friend I wish

you all the best

Thankful that you

are in my life today

Bringing a smile

to each and everyone

 by Brandy M Renfrow

 

My Opinion, The World Today

Is the day as long as night?

Heavens lay high as sin down under

Away from what’s left

That is the middle of complications and filth

Always not knowing and scrambling like rats

Living in a box that we don’t know how to step out of

Leaving us with debt and financial trouble

Worrying about the suffering of others we don’t know

But not treating our own bodies as healthy as should

Walking in another person’s shoes as they say but we can’t hardly

Stand a sight of ourselves in the mirror without some augmentation

Cursing your neighbor or the traffic light not suggesting anything other

that you have no Emotional intelligence.

Weighing yourself for acknowledgement, determination and discipline did you look good

 putting on the right clothes for the first impression that mere second could turn it sour

Getting ready for that hot date or a conference that may just happen to be that one

That lands you a promotion or a wife forever lasting happiness and children

It fulfills all expectations for self -confidence hoping the ego doesn’t stand out more

You look in your mind as easy as they come yet always holding tight

That dollar you so very much earned

This life is so full of hope yet there is such disaster everywhere

Sickness called Covid-19 has invaded our world.

Many are unemployed and starving being quarantined or confined

Six feet distance is the new norm

Wearing face masks are vital

Even the President found that out.

A little late so sorry but you should have

been practicing what you preached and enforced

Of course, we need to survive and feed our families

Many have to go to local food banks

We promote the trend of face masks making it a fashion trend

And supporting local business is vital for our cities lively hood

Not too many comedians do we hear about now

Yet there are many arguments especially in Congress

Spreading bad behavior and greed        

Making our air waves dirty and full of hate

All lives matter especially during certain times

Always need to pay special attention to feelings

Race, politics, religion and sex have always been subjects we tend to avoid

Facing it and having an opinion on any subject matter can lead

 Riots break out and feelings get hurt

People are sad by others behavior and lack of empathy

Schools are shut down and teachers and teaching our children

By merely much support from the states and government

Corporations are recognizing and helping out

Teaching using all their strength, resources and the internet to provide education.

Many don’t work or lost hours

Bills are piling up and houses get put on the market too soon

Afraid of foreclosure and business having to shut down

Stimulus checks are handed out as to acknowledge

 our deficit and pandemic that spreads from country to country

leaving death and despair contributing to depression

Social humans we are having to live without our daily schedules, people

To see, projects to be completed and gatherings we enjoy

Depression, self- worth, too much energy to confine, bouncing off the walls

Arguments start and we eat to much because we are bored.

Walls are caving in for the people who are extrovert sometimes needing now counseling

Introverts are used to being alone and keeping in feelings

 Bombarded by the other now makes a recipe for household chaos

As stores and diners are slowly opening it’s just a hassle

Wearing masks are essential and appear sadly how it will be forever

Yet we do make an excuse to shop just to get out of the house.

Buy that something that if only makes you happy for a bit

Its justified because it was on sale because of all of this.

Who knows what are children are thinking?

As they look around and watch all of this happen before them

Everything has changed so dramatically that even

 they are having a hard time adapting

McDonalds no longer cells salad

So, what is essential I ask you

Does it compare anything to needs and wants

Government banned Methyl cigarettes just showing ‘

That they are the ones to blame for cigarettes still being sold

Warning us of the health hazards which now looks like

They were just watching population control as we would never think that

Marijuana is now accepted widely now from county to county

Don’t they realize that they are saying its ok for people to get high

If it was to help cancer patients, why don’t doctors hand it out?

Not like they are worried about our lungs

As it already has been shown that they have the power yet can’t decide

Like all those ads and warnings about coffee, soda, cigars, wine, beer and spirits

 It seems like the sale and growing permission they gave

Is because they feel bad about the economy

These are all things I think about and have an opinion about

So, if it offends you, I’m sorry this is what I happen to observe.

Is this anything you have noticed or agree with?

Just ask yourself and go along your day

by Brandy Michelle  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just a catch up and funny.

 I have such a day today. Hotter than 🔥  and boy did I feel it. Thankfully, I had to work today at Growing Grounds so I kept cooler in the shade and  outside than I would just sitting around at home in the heat with just a fan. We received a big shipment so I had plenty to do.  The best part was Christine brought us in an ice cream.

Here I will share with you some of the one's I priced today.

We got in like twelve of these today. I think they look so majestic with the robust purple and green striped leaf.

                       This one is so brilliant green.

I wish I could tell you the names of them but I don't know them. It's hard to keep up with all the ones we have. I have been working there now eleven paid days and they only promise ten. They are going to keep me on as long as possible but if someone else comes into the program I will have to leave. I really have loved working here and it has been very enjoyable. Its very nice to be in this type of work environment. I did learn a thing or two about the plants so that is a plus. I will miss it but will be for sure a customer for life. Oh by the way San Luis Obispo will be charging for parking again starting Saturday of next week. Boo!

Walk with Me Jesus by Marie Chapian

This is a book I have been reading daily.

Good stuff.

2025-2027 is closer than you think. With 5G launching yet unemploment is high, disabilty claims pending, this is how I see things.

I've been doing some research and right away I  think real estate as it has the less depreciative value. The MREIT's were catching my eye but with all the construction, Covid and saving pennies I think I'll hold off and even from technology as an investment.. Think more about electricity, motors, compression, aero space and cars that drive themselves similar Night Rider but better; more like Drudge Dread and Fifth Element. More of a spaceship type presence. 

Even though shopping seems to be a fad from the packed parking lots I have witnessed.. I think we are using it as a defense mechanism. Even for the abundance of toilet paper. 

Next stop was food of course  we can't live without  it, so what comforts you in your fractured way of life right now. For me its soup, baked potatoes stuffed, cheese, pizza, icecream and good old hamburgers and with cheese of course.. Mostly holiday food with lots of sugar and calorie intake but we want to eat light so as we don't grow roots and stick to the sofa and stuff our faces out of boredom and depression. Salads don't cut the mustard and fried foods give you acne. So think sensible and eat hardy yet nutrious. 

My grandma worked for Cambells soup for fifty years  so I looked them up. Low and behold yes that is correct we are eating soup to warm our bellies calm our nerves and care for the soul. Mediterranean is also quite popular as its light and tasty. Cereal is also being eaten as its a good snack after and before dinner and can be used for breading or batter. So, subsequently, grain, seed especially for those piggies and the sugar you sweeten you goodies are going to be very productive and worth looking into to. 

My first bet is Post and General Mills especially the recipes of our grandmothers and Mother Goose's fables. I also started thinking about Parks and staduims because the games and events that have been put off and monies put on hold. 

I was reading they are going to be getting new artificial turf for the fields and children's parks. I hope Athletes are staying in shape because things should be turning in the next year or so. Librarians are doing a lot to keep our books available to us in any form so that we have access to the information needed. 

Teachers are a blessing as they are funding one another practically and pulling funds out of their own pocket and extra time to prepare without the resources they would normally have. There is a program called Teachers paying Teachers. We should give many thanks to their kind hearts for keeping to their promise and devotion to the future of America and youthful spirits. I have found many resources out there for Vets and military along with training and education for the spouses and transitional employment for soldiers employment after their term. I share to Twitter, Linkinden and Facebook information and resources I find that will help support and contribute to the health, educational needs, academic resources and entertainment as we have lack there of.  We could all use a good laugh and I miss Comedy Central. In my opinion. What am I doing? I'm going to invest in my daughter's education as she already takes college courses and I found a company that builds and makes delicious protein bars, so I figure I will call them up and see if I can participate in their projects so that I can alleviate some of the property sales taxes I will have to pay in three years. Im thinking long term and thinking of companies that have been around since the 1800's and surpassed and survived before we had social security. Im still looking for a full time job.. Voluteer work is available. Even though companies are advertising to hire they are still apprehensive to employing new comers. Knowing the history and how we as humans behave and  endure times of stress less of our creature comfort and tangible  needs through times of sickness and disparity shows me that there is hope 🙏 

P.S  Buy self adhesive envelopes.

Stay Safe and Good day.

Conscious Decisions & Positive Habits

I was a was at work today and started thinking about the video I listened to about self-doubt She had said you can't help how you feel but you can help how you react to it. That really had me thinking because I go through my day trying to be the best person I can and well as kind to all. It brought me to my first point about making conscience decisions. I should do that on a continuous basis but I don't sometimes because I get caught up on auto-pilot.  Being on autopilot you don't quite realize what I'm doing until afterward and sometimes not at all, or even I do just a bit later and just brush it off by either a justification or excuse I have for myself. 

Take smoking or instance. We say it's a bad habit right? What we should do is to remind ourselves just right before we grab it that it's not a good idea than making the conscious decision to not to smoke it. Now after that, we must make a good habit in replace of that bad one. A good habit like finishing something all the way through. Saying our please and thank yous. For a man, it would be pumping lady's gas or opening the door for her. Or simply grabbing aa piece of gum instead. 

Mine was mostly a having bad habit of not following through and finishing projects that I start. I first started with coloring in my coloring book. I noticed I started jumping around a bit too much and coloring parts and then losing interest and coloring other parts of another picture. I would have 5-10 pictures that I would be working on. It really was getting out of control. I sat there and then made a conscious decision to not color any more pictures until I finished at least one before I moved on. I would then lose interest and quit coloring for a few days. Being that I wanted to start a new habit that was positive for me I stuck to my guns and colored a picture all the way through. Coloring and making that conscience decision was very valuable. I now have all of my pictures colored and I'm proud of myself for following through. It also brought up my self-confidence in knowing that I can and I did. Even with this blog. It's not easy to continually write stories or even to start one and finish. Not to mention publishing it. Creating good habits and also being consciously aware to make the decisions that are right for the situation, place or thing, 

In order to form and keep a good habit os to practice it. It's much easier to practice bad ones as we don't really want to recognize we are doing them, 

It was funny I was in the car and I noticed a fast-food chain and thought it was burger king at first. No, it was called Habit. They named a burger joint after a word like habit. If you think about it it really makes sense. Most people get fast food while on road trips and they search out where to eat like. It's like getting fast food is a habit. Eating on road trips at fast food is a habit.  That there could and might become a habit too. LOL...I'm just making myself laugh now and being silly about this subject. 

My conscience decision today is to make it a habit of thinking positively even in adversity and formulating a system self checklist. I'm going to when  I'm having self-doubt ask myself why? Now that in itself will take a concise effort. Honestly make myself answer the question with three answers. Then ask myself if what I'm doing is positive, constructive, and productive. If my answers outweigh the reason why well then I need to set back and let it be in God's hands and trust not to have self-doubt. It's like right now I'm thinking most people won't like what I write but for some reason, I'm compelled to do so. If they don't like it well then they don't. I'm doing something I enjoy and am benefiting from tremendously personally. It must be leading to something good or developing something good in me. I still sure do hope you like it though.

 Good luck to you and thank you again for allowing me to share. 

Self-Doubt Help for the Creator in Me

It's funny how the world works. I was just talking about me having self-doubt just the other day and I'm surfing the net today and find this great website which is about answering your creative calling. I just so happen to stable along this video called How to Break the Habit of Self-Doubt and Build Real Confidence. I encourage you to watch it as it may help you. Just passing along what I found to be in line with God's grace. It definitely hit a lot of keynotes with everything that is going on in my life. I hope you enjoy it. I'll be touching base back on this subject after I watch the whole thing as it is 16 lessons long. The site is Creative Live and does have other videos so you might want to check it out. 

Self Doubt

I sure have been struggling with this for a while now. You wouldn't think so as I blog away anyways and continue on to work as nothing seems to bother me. Things bother me more than I let on. Maybe some people will agree with me but I try to put my best foot forward every day and not to bring others down but try to uplift them as to uplift myself. That sure was a mouthful but it's true.  I have been working on quite a few things diligently and nothing seems to be coming to fruition for me. 

My house still needs to be sold, my social security keeps getting denied even though my doctor put me on disability, I've gained 20 pounds and my clothes don't fit, I live like a pauper and sometimes have to go to the women's shelter to get food and  I have gone on a few different interviews but no job yet, This seems like I'm just being a cry baby and maybe so. This is my healing agent and so if I journal in it, I hope that's ok. 

I'm really trying to keep my head up. I really do miss coloring and would love to get a coloring book but I'm poor and need every last bit for gas and food. Sometimes I wish I were rich! I married well the two times that I did but the relationships didn't work out. I think often if I stayed I'm those relationships I wouldn't have these problems. Probably, not these problems but maybe most likey something else. I guess I should just be happy with what I do have and the wonderful people around me who support me in every way they can. I'm very grateful.

Sitting here writing is very meditative especially with music. I don't think of it as isolating or being too much of an introvert yet other times I disagree. I'm not wish-washy I promise...LOL. 

One good thing though the voices have been very calm lately. Possible my new meds, I'm sure on a high enough dose I would hope they would work at least a little bit. 

Even if I get my house sold I still have to figure out where to live and how to pay for it. I just hope things turn around for me soon and I see a brighter light at the end of the tunnel.

Practicing mindfulness and using coping strategies are okay right now. I could do better. I need to read more. Does anyone know of anything worth reading right now? Sometimes I think it's okay for me to be sad but I don't like it when I doubt myself and not publish some of the things that I write because of rejection. I am going to publish this and if you have any thoughts please share them with me and leave a comment. I appreciate it. Peace~

Schizoaffective. schizophrenia & Schizophreniform What's the difference?

I was just recently looking up Schizophrenia vs. Schizophrenic and to my surprise, I found more information than I ever thought I would. I didn't realize that there is a difference between the three types of Schizophrenia. Here is a video in which describes it.Schizoaffective. schizophrenia & Schizophreniform. This is truly amazing yet complicated and good to hear this video if your ever trying to understand this, 

Embrace Our Union

DOR, Department of Rehabilitation Act

I found a link that seems to me is a simpler view and explanation. It has information too as well as contact information. You can find that here: Get Pocket Read on DOR . There are many more contacts to Washington D.C. and more laws I didn't know about. Which I'm still learning and am happy to hear about. It does lead you to the full site of DOR but it is something I thought you might like too. The main site to the Department of Rehabilitation Act is https://dor.ca.gov/Home/RehabilitationAct.

Schizophrenia Life Today: Inspiration 4 the Day

Schizophrenia Life Today: Inspiration 4 the Day: Talk about fighting stigma or just boosting your self-confidence even after having a tough go-round. This guy has a pure heart and a special...

Inspiration 4 the Day

Talk about fighting stigma or just boosting your self-confidence even after having a tough go-round. This guy has a pure heart and a special way of thinking that I sure do appreciate. It made me think about my last name and it is Shorts. I was teased a lot in my younger years about it so I dropped it as soon as I could after getting married. I hear what he has to say and I wrote this. 

    They tell me to go wear shorts, "Shorts", I say I'm in it for the long run. I have to be as it has taken me a long while to pull myself up after all that I have been through. I still have yet to find that "dream " job". that is okay as I have faith and a friend of mine told me this morning. Always keep the faith. It will never let you down. Well, I have to post the link to this video,  Art / My Way. Morley is featured on FineArtAmerica has a great message and I  encourage everyone to listen to it. He goes above and beyond and that is always what I try to do myself. Go BIG or Go Home, That has always been my moto and I have excelled in everything I have put my mind to. I didn't know when I was a little girl that I would travel around the world and even have the chance to see the pyramids in Egypt, Cairo but I have. I didn't know I would get schizophrenia and be schizophrenic but that's ok. I have lost everything that I'm used to but I'm investing change and have faith that my life will go better in a different way. Enjoy the video. and the message.

ADA National Network Information Guidance and Training on the Americans with Disability Act

According to the ADA National Network Information Guidance and Training on the Americans with Disability Act.,  you will find it interesting about people with disabilities and the workplace. It's surprising to me the percentages that they have. This is definitely a good read for anyone with a disability looking for a job or has one, whether or not to disclose and your rights.https://adata.org/factsheet/health

English:

https://adata.org/sites/adata.org/files/files/Mental_Health_Conditions_final2018.pdf

Spanish:

https://adata.org/sites/adata.org/files/files/Mental_Health_Conditions_final2018_Spanish%20.pdf

The CARES Act

Information On The CARES Act For People With Mental Illness

Job Hunt & to Self- Identify

I now have been looking for work for over a couple of months but before I started looking,  the question I had in my thoughts was wher\ther or not to tell my employer I'm schizophrenic.  In my mind, I thought it would be the right thing to do. I mean they are going to find out when I need to apply for insurance, aren't they?   I sure do want them to know how to help me in the case of a relapse. I myself already have self-identified just by making this blog as well as being open about it to everyone I know and Facebook. 

Come to find out, most employers now do ask you to self-identify. They plainly ask you just right after asking you if you have received food stamps,  what race you are, and whether or not if your a protected veteran. There is a part where they ask you to disclose whether or not you have a disability. they then give a bunch of examples of what a disability is considered and low and behold Schizophrenia is on there. I then have to check the box that I in fact do have a disability and hope it doesn't lessen my chances of being interviewed or hired. Now not everyone asks but I'm finding more corporations do. I did though apply for Allan Hancock College and they asked as well. Now if I'm in denial and don't claim that I am what then happens when you try to get health insurance with them?. See there that's the thing. So like a good girl I checked yes I do have a disability. Now Social Security has denied me twice now and is still in an appeal where have I will probably have to go to trial. I'm going to explain this to the judge especially if I haven't been hired yet. See they think I'm capable of working but what if it's stacked up against you and you don't get a chance because maybe the company will consider you a liability. These are the things I think about and will have to be discussed when I go to trial. My hope is that I'm given a fair chance because of my experience and at least get an interview. I have had a couple of interviews now and during it they did not ask me any questions regarding my disability. So maybe it's just for Human Resources information. Who knows really. I'm just wishing for the best in my job search and to you as well.

Funny that I wrote this because I was just talking about it to my cousin and she sent this article to me.

Should You Disclose a Mental Illness During the Hiring Process?

I do have to agree with it but I don't think the people who wrote it have been looking for a job online lately. It plainly asks you and I suppose you could deny but yet again what happens when you want to get insurance. I have never been asked during the interview process and if I was I would be open and honest. I honestly don't think I ever will be either just like they don't question your race when you put down what it is. There is stigma and probably always will be, I just hope that we can only get better. 

I did just find this and I expect you will find it interesting. https://adata.org/factsheet/health

Intimacy with Schizophrenia

Intimacy and being in a relationship has its challenges having schizophrenia. Auditory hallucinations happen for me all day long into the night. Even with medication I still have to cope with them, It does quiet them down but they are still there. This would not just be for my relationship with my boyfriend but even having a conversation in which I wish to pay close attention to with a close friend. 

In the bedroom, it's the most difficult. You could laugh and think of many different things but it is quite serious as it can drive a wedge into your relationship. It all goes back to those voices and what they tell you and what is being said while your trying to engage your partner, 

I personally have had a bit of trouble with this and get frustrated as well as my partner not really knowing how to react to it or know what to do or say. 

Auditory hallucinations are interesting to explain because I'm sure they are different for everyone. I can only explain how they are for me personally. They feed on what I'm feeling thinking and what I'm doing at the moment and from the past as well as they give their two cents on the situation. They can also be random and just chatter too.  I ask you to try and imagine engaging your partner in a heated moment of passion or wanting to be passionate when you have so much going on in your mind. It's not an easy task and it shouldn't even be considered a task at that. What do you tell them? I personally have to stop at times and just hold my head and stay quiet. I'm then asked what is wrong. That is not a question that is easy to answer other than saying it's my voices are too loud and are interrupting my follow-through. I take my medication at night and it pretty much puts me to sleep within half an hour to an hour of taking it. That then means I have less time of being awake. Sometimes they are so loud at times I will take my medication early and then my partner is disappointed because of the limited amount of time that he has to be with me,  

I try so much to ignore them and just concentrate on the moment and the love I have for him. This too is not a subject that I have even discussed with my doctor because basically it's left up to me how to deal with them and set the voices aside. Here we go again though as they are not easy to ignore. Speaking with my friend's I have learned to block them out. Although, they do bother me sometimes because it interferes with my concentration and I feel as if I miss half the story sometimes. I will ask my friend though to repeat themselves without feeling sorry for it. I have explained my disorder to them and so they do know what the issue is with me so that makes it a bit easier not to get down on myself. This brings me to say that communication is key.  Being open and honest and fighting the stigma of the disorder is important When communicating with a partner is going to quite different from a friend or anyone else. First and foremost you have to be comfortable and strong within yourself to be able to put yourself out there and explain and hope they understand, if they don't it's not you. It's them who need to try and gain a better understanding. That's easy to say but what if they reject you because of it? I have feared the same. I myself have this to deal with my whole life and only need people who will be patient with me in my life and inner circle. So I am honest with everyone and am not afraid to self identify. It's more important for me to have them know and gain understanding then for me to hide it and live in fear of rejection, communication or just being myself.  If you chose them as well as they did you to be with romantically involved with or just a friend it should be a challenge both are willing to work through. Yet how soon do you self identify?  Everyone is different and you have to gauge that for yourself. I personally don't come right out and say I'm schizophrenic. I say my name and it's nice to meet you. As conversation takes place and I see whether I want the relationship to move further than eventually, it does come up as a topic. It always will and you can't run from that, We are different and it will come into play because they will notice something different about you and you will want to be able to know them better as well pay more attention to what they are communicating to you. I just don't like it if people think I'm not paying attention to what they are saying or limit the amount of time I spend them. I don't want them to think it's them that I don't want to be around because I haven't explained my disorder and how it is for me. Communication with everyone will be different but is a must. If not the relationships that could have been will no longer be an option. 

To have Schizophrenia but to be Schizophrenic

I love this quote from rtor.org (please click the link) because I feel it is so true. I am schizophrenic and do have schizophrenia but it doesn't define me as a character nor as a person with morals, values and ethics. It doesn't tell you all my personality traits and the activities I like to participate in. It doesn't mean that I make a bad mom nor a poor sibling or daughter. Just means, like anyone else who has some kind of health condition I have to cope with it. Be the best person I can be and enjoy life just the same as anyone else. I count my blessings and am grateful for the wonderful support system I have. 

Reflecting

Today I have been reading on Making Meaning and the concept behind it. It's all about transitions and the stages of life that we go through. After everything that I have been going through and feeling like a loser for my situation yet still trying to better myself. I feel I'm moving through my transitions in life not too bad being now that I have done some footwork and laid some ground I'm now reaping the benefits, as you would say reap what you sew. Things around me and what I'm doing is coming to fruition.  So far so good, so I can honestly say I'm proud of myself today. 😇

TMHA Virtual Meetings

Click the link for the schedule of the groups and classes offered. 

THMA Schedule of Virtual Groups & Classes

I am personally very excited about these meetings and tend on joining into a few of them. They are using Zoom to conduct the meetings. Get familiar with it as it's fairly easy to use on your phone, tablet or computer. You can download zoom at the play store.

Life has been pretty hectic for me right now but I still have time for me and this is how I plan on spending the time. Hope you will be apart of them as well. Growing Grounds is still looking for more volunteers always at the farm if your interested. Call Frank at (805) 543-6071.

My Resume

I'm so proud of myself for finally finishing a resume that I can really can say I like alot. This has been a long time coming. I hope everyone else thinks good of it as well.

Denied Again yet Looking Forward

It has come to now know that social security is denying me again after I appealed for disability. They feel I'm not severe enough not to work but I never said that I was not able and am at this time working, My point was that I'm unable to do the tasks and perform at the level in which I was before. So  I'm still looking for another job. I'm staying with Growing Grounds as I feel that it has enlightened my life in many different aspects. It has provided me a positive place to help develop myself and get back in the swing of things. I don't want to set limitations on myself as I feel that would only hinder my own personal growth. I'm enjoying what I do and I do feel that it is time to add on more responsibility. I have a lot of obligations going on at this time that require a lot of my energy yet I feel that getting another job would help not only financially but for my own  well being and self esteem. I need to be able to take on these tasks with ease and handle life's ups and downs without feeling down and frustrated. I'm very great full for this blog as it helps me to be able to share and communicate my fears, worries and hopes and joys .It has been one of the best healing tools for me.  So if anyone is reading this thank you for your time and alloying me to share, Right now in this time I'm applying for outside jobs rather jobs preferably not behind a desk. It seems to me that the auditory hallucinations are more critical and daunting than when I'm more active working. Which makes since in a way that it doesn't allow to much time to be in my own head sort of speak. Anyhow, wish me luck as I'm embarking on the job hunting task. I just hope with the whole idea now that they ask sometimes to self-identify I don't get passed up for the interview or job. Another thing to look forward to though is Breaking Barriers. I feel that it will help a lot and with job support I should be doing well soon in a position I will flourish and grow with.

This is way too cool!

I just loaded up Blogger and now I can edit my blog without an app.  I just have to say thank you. I just don't even know what to do with myself now. 

I just looked and it hooks up to Google Photos too. WOW!

Big cheers to the Blogger team and Google for making this available.