My Trama

There is always a story behind everything. I did suffer trauma and that may have contributed to me getting schizophrenia or maybe not. I do have a couple of stories that were major impacts on my life. When I was twenty-three back in 1997 I was raped. It's not what I at all like to talk about but the fact of the matter it did happen. In 2009 I had received my second DUI and I did go to rehab for it. At that time it was then I dealt with the pain and began medication for the first time for PTSD, depression, and anxiety. I was then able to speak about it and somewhat heal from the event that had occurred in my earlier years. 

The second major traumatic event that happened in my life was when I lost all my hair. It sounds like it wouldn't be a big deal but it was because it was not expected to happen and it was a chemical burn that basically dissolved my hair. I was with a committed partner later to find out who was not faithful. Without placing any blame as I really don't know who did it or how it actually happened, it caused me to have to shave my head. I pretty much had a psychotic break. I had hair all the way down to my waist all my life. I went to the hospital at three in the morning telling my partner my head was burning, not for the first time but a couple times afterward. The doctor asked me if I had thought about suicide and then asked me if I hear things and or see things others don't. I was mortified. I told him he should be ashamed of himself for asking me those questions and to look at my head. I ended up just leaving there getting no help what so ever. All I did was cry and cry and cry and just wander how and what actually did happen to me. I do have thyroid issues sometimes and my partner had been putting testosterone on me for about three years. I didn't think much about it other than it gave me energy. I think now it threw me into early menopause. It may have to do something with my hair but still, I don't know. My hair is growing back now and I did have a bunch of tests done so they say I'm healthy other than the fact that now I do have auditory hallucinations. At the time the doctor confronted me at the hospital I hadn't taken much thought to it but after experiencing a couple of episodes of being on a 72-hour hold it did come to appear that something was wrong with me. I didn't know why I was hearing the things I was and they became very hypnotic in a sense. These voices are talking to me and not just one I'm talking several. They argue with each other too. They are convincing me of things that aren't true or real and asking me to do things as well. I tell you what they can be very critical, your cheerleaders, or just scare the living daylights out of you. So now I'm 46 and having to start all over and learn to live another way not to mention be on medication for the rest of my life. It's strange how life can throw you curve balls and this was definitely one of them. I'm so grateful for this blog as it is self-healing for me and I'm hoping, in turn, it may help or guide someone else. Sometimes having someone else tell what has happened to them makes it a bit easier to talk about your own situation.  I sure do have a lot more stories to come but this is all for now as I have to still get enough courage to tell it. Thank you for letting me share and you being kind enough to read it.